Wednesday, December 20, 2006

(almost) empty room

to say that my room is empty is not quite accurate. I still have wuite a lot of stuff in my room. it is actually amazing to me that after all the boxes and foot lockers were removed my closet is STILL full. mostly though it's stuff i really do need. Ie clothes, uniforms, stuff like that
aside from wanting (more like needing) more time i really don't feel too much about this move. I can't help but be slightly jubulant.

Tommorow I'll be getting an ARCOM (Army Comedation Medal) i'll be in line I guess. I'm not the highest awarded dude around but still i'm starting on my third row. that actually surpasses my dad and he was an Officer. I guess that does seem kind of childish since the NDM (National Defence Medal), the GWOTSM (Global War on Terrorism Service Medal). and the army service ribbon (the much vaunted "gay pride" ribbon) are all kind of like hand outs when you finnish AIT. i did actually have to deploy to get the GWOTSM, but i also got the expeditionary medal (i havn't traded that one in for the ICM or Iraqi Campaign Medal, because i know i'll get an ICM sooner or later) Still it does make me feel some pride. Each one of those ribbons has a story behind them, and though each is just a tiny little ribbon, each of them has a peice of my life wrapped up in them.

Oh also important, the New Transformers movie trailer is FREAKIN SWEET Iknow i am showing my super nerd colors to say that but c'mon dude who didn't love Transformers. I mean anything turns into a robot. Cars, microscopes, guns, jets, trains, shuttles, EVEN BUGS. I loved the original (often refered to as "G1") but some of the follow on shows were great (though the Japanese ran with it a little too far in my opinion. they had all sorts of rediculious attachments, and things of that sort that kind of killed the show) I chalk this up to ANOTHER summer movie that i will miss and, of course have to see on boot leg. Who knows, I might try to get leave again in July.

Last but definatly not least is lisa. I feel kind of guilty. I fell asleep on her (again) when she really wanted to talk to me. I read her Blog, and to tell the truth i'm not sure how to approach the subject. I know the pain of the ones left behind is often as great if not greater than the ones that go out, but this has been a fact of life for as long as mankind has existed. I wish there was a way to ease her burden, like always i want to charge to the rescue, when there is no possible way to rescue her. But i also know she won't cheat on me. in her own words she's not even tempted to get a good "eye fuck" (on a side note this sounds really painful and if i didn't know what it means i'd probably not ask). I coul;d say the same myself. Of course if i am getting undressed with the eyes i'm usually oblivious to it. But i am human and i do notice attractive women, but it doesn't go beyond a single glance unless there's sticthes, or some deformity, my medical sense gets the better of me and then i can only see the injury/deformity.

I really don't know how to handel her fears, and of course it doesn't help all the memories are bubbling up to the surface as the deployment becomes very real. As this new one looms in the distance, i am remebering things i had completly forgotten. the Good, the terrible, and the boredom. I can't help but thell her. It just comes spilling out of me. I have told her about my nightmares, and my dreams. I don't know why i tell her. sometimes i think i shouldn't. But when she listen to my fears, that inside i am a monster waiting to be loosed, when i tell here about how in my nightmares i enjoy killing, she told me i wasn't evil. Something released in me, i was still afraid of my darkness, but i knew i could accept it.

Fear and hope are so tightly bound together with Lisa. there is so much hope for the future. There is fear of where that future might lead me. Will i return to her battered and broken. A Shell of what i was? i couldn't live with myself if I dragged Lisa down. If the worst should happen? What then. She deserves a long and loving life. I will give her all i can.

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