It Just Goes to Show

I am not sure why, but this far every time i leave a place it gets ten times better. When i was leaving Hawaii they were sending everyone to Air Assault, and EFMB, as well as EMT-I. Now that I am leaving the ER at Darnell, they decided to revamp the trauma standards. Now the Medic will do all the things that they love to do. assist with chest tubes, central lines, hell pretty much whatever they want to do. Docs will actually do it, but the medics will have a larger hand in it. Now as it stands a medic will average (minus full arrest) about 10-15 mins on a trauma. Up until the log roll is over and the "fast exam" is complete. The New system, the medic might well be the LAST to leave.

of course fot a guy like me that loves trauma (and makes stress my bitch) this is the golden carrot. I have often been disgruntled at how under utilized i have been. two years ago (and probably in 6 months time) I was making life and death decisions. Now I am stuck stocking linen and a whole host of other menial tasks (LAB RUNS!!!). My angst stems greatly from the fact that I look around, and see people who are lazy, or don't give a damm, and I'm sitting twiddling my thumbs like the dutiful little soldier boy. It can get on a person's nerves quickly.

I am not nearly as eager to move to my new unit as i thought i would be. Oh to go to the line yes (God Almighty if they try to put me in an FSB again i will flip a bitch), but i've just got around to liking Ft. Hood. Oh it's full of POGs, and shitbags, yes, but the area ain't half bad (aside from the crime rate, which is second only to Houston). What's more, i wish i could be around when Lisa graduates BCT and AIT.

Another thing that is bothering me, I talked to SSG Garza today. You'd think a guy that has 16 years invested would stomach the last 4 and retire, but he is in a pickle. He is constantly getting crappy assignments, and he is constantly getting deployed (OK well three total, Kosovo once, and Iraq twice). He is willing to waste those years and get out. I mean he really is over the hump, and it wouldn't be that far of a stretch to get a second retirement. But he's going to get out. Made me wonder why i do it myself. I will have 4 years come 29 Jan. All i have to show for it is a load of junk, and a chip on my shoulder. Perhaps the confidence I've gained is payment enough, but now, as the times get darker, i ask myself, again why do I do this?

Doubt is a part of the Soldier's life. and sadly there is more than enough doubt to go around. I doubt myself, i doubt the mission, and often times i really doubt the Army as a whole. It has made me question my most basic beliefs. I once believed Marriages were sacred. Now I truly wonder. Being married, for some, is almost an invitation to be promiscuous. I used to believe once that men and women could be faithful to each other. Now I see otherwise. I used to think I could be around civilians, now, when I am around them I scorn their ways. I used to be able to date civilian women, now i get a headache trying to explain anything to anybody that isin't intimately familiar with the military. And, finally, perhaps most tragically i've started to lose my faith in man. Some of the things I've seen, the cruelty, and the utter disregard for their fellow, often makes me wonder about the species as a whole.

I do not want to say, however that i have not gained a certain measure of confidence in myself. I am surer now, of who i am, and what i am capable of. perhaps not so much physically anymore, but of what i can push myself through. I Used to hold my head down, and look at the ground, and while i still do that i often hold my head high. I have done things that i can be proud of (or so everyone tells me). It just goes to show, there's always good lobbed in with the bad, and the grass usually isn't greener on the other side of the fence till you cross over the fence.