Pain and Morphine

For the record I do not like this Pancretitis pain i have. Whatever the cause is I don't freaking care I want it to stop once and for all, but more over I want a damm explination!!! I don't care if it's some excorsist crap I WANT TO KNOW!!! I am so tired of it, and for the life of me I wish I had never gotten out of the truck! I wish I had never been EVAC'd and I wish I'd never had this FUCKING PAIN!!!

So what is it? Well if you've ever seen Alien, think somewhere along those lines, move it down a bit so it's not actaully on the rib cage and you'll have a general idea what I'm talking about. It feels like something it going to explode (or already has) just below my chest between the arch formed by the rib cage. It hurts like hell and nothing, absolutly NOTHING makes it feel better.

For those of you out there that are in the medical profession, well the original diagnosis of Pancretitis (handed down at the CSH in Baghdad no less.) is apparently not entirely correct. Although what exactly it IS no one seems to have the slightest clue. They can tell me what it's NOT but not really what to do to fix it other than stay away from alcohol. Freaking great man.

So here's the story. I'd been moving stuff to a storage unit pretty much all day long. Thanks to whe whole mover thing, I had to have my room cleared out,so i spent pretty much two weeks getting almost no sleep and busting my ass the whole time. Well I was on the second to last load (slow going in a Ford Mustang) and I'd pretty much filled up my 5X5 storage unit.

anyway as I'm comming through the gate (Grant?) I was starting to feel it. It starts comming on slowly, and then hits you like a frieght train. Well I was half way across main post to the barraks by the hospital. and i was sweating like a politician on trial. I was starting to be unable to focus on anything but the pain. I was thankful I made it to the parking lot. I was going to go to the room and just curl up into a ball, and just try to let it pass, but i remembered at the exact moment i turned my car off that I was suppose to get my blood drawn if it happened again, so off to the ER I went.

they asked what was wrong I told them my story, and they asked what my symptoms were and I said lots and lots of pain. Looking back I think my ER in Darnell worked WAY better. Anyway they take me back, and three shots of IV Morphine later I was loopy as hell. Here's the funny thing, it didn't help. Actually Morphine doesn't get rid of the pain, it makes you not care about the pain. Anyway I was maxed out and it STILL wasn't helping. So long story short until it went away on its own. They released me once the labs came back as normal. I'd hate to think they think i wnet in there for morphine. The thing is i actually DON'T LIKE MORPHINE!!! I just want the pain to STOP!

It took my squad leader taking me back to my room high as hell. I was tripping all over myself and a group of people one building over were laughing asking if I was drunk. No I replied that i was really high. Haha. I came back to my room and just passed the hell out.

Midnight Intervention

Gary showed up at 1130. Guy was drunk as shit and distraut. He wouldn't tell me exactly what was wrong I found it slightly disturbing to have to deal with him. He wanted Kidwell to "finnish what we started in Iraq". That being getting into a fight that would end in homicide. baisically Gary wants out but he wants a lot of pain along the way.



What annoyed me most is that he actually swung at me while i was eating watermelon. Serously WHO DOES THAT?!?worse he went on to tell me things like "i saw three guys die at the CSH in front of me, you need to get over it." For a moment just a moment he crossed a very very dangerous line with me. I've gone beserk only three times in my life, but when that happens, well I really don't stop.

That's besides the point though. The real problem with Gary is that he wants attention, but he doesn't know how to ask for it. His relationship with Tracy was tourtured to say the least. Truth is I know they were incompatible from the beginning. Though he likes to play the strong man, the guy that doesn't need any help. An island untouchable by everything. The truth, however is far more complicated. He turns to his anger, and hides behind his talk. Do I think he could fight? Of course, but I also think that he does it for attention. In a strange way he actually feeds off the pain.

now what bothers me the most about this incident is I'm not sure entirely that Gary came here for the guy next door or if he came here for me. To be sure, there are a lot of things that he could have done to feel better, but his answer is usually to get so drunk he can barely walk. I on the other hand have not had a drink since i got back from leave. Not one drink. Of course He and Berta didn't believe me.

Anyway a long story short, his threatened violence never came, the MPs however did come, and he went without a fight, after explaining in long and rambling detail what all was going on. I had warned the MPs that there might be violence because he had been drinking, but for some reason there was neither violence or even a half hearted struggle. I think, in his own way Gary wanted this to happen. To be sure in his mind its probably for justification. "see Tracy, this is what you did to me" kind of thing. It's funny but after all the crap he's been through, he still wants to be with the woman that has done hime so much harm, that has torn him up inside.

Maybe that's why I can't turn him away. In the end, I feel some small empathy for him. In my own way i was where he was. I'm getting better now, but the scars are still there. I don't think he ever really thought he'd live long enough or meet a woman he'd actually want to spend time with. It's a shame that the one woman he wanted to get serious with (his non serious relationships are such that frivilous would be putting it lightly) would be a woman that has major imaturity issues of her own. I can not hate Gary, for all his swagger and disdain. I can't even hate him when he attacks me, because i see, had things been different, I would have become very much like him.

Deafening Silence

There is nothing in this world more terrible than silence. Not the whine of Rockets or the explosions. Not the screams of the wounded or the moans of the dying. There is nothing on this earth more terrible than silence. Nothing quite so terrible as the absence of anything. Why are we terrified of the dark? For the same reason the silence can be terrifiying. That absence, that abyss is full of all the terrors we do not have the courage to confront.

Even in my current state, I know well enough to know that people are trying to help, but nothing that is said or doen seems to penatrate this bleak despair that surrounds me. Not the tender words of a friend, or the harsh words of an adversary, both a treasure in their own way. And thus I stay in Silence. A state more terrible then any chaos I have thus endured. With only myself and a room full of physical reminders of pasts lost to me, and hope crushed, it is easy to see why my psyche has started to unravel in such an acelerated way.

I Find it more comfortable to sleep in the day, when there is life, but to do this I stay up at night, when the silence is at it's worst. I know that my pain will not accost me in the day. But at night when I am alone, I am full of fear. Fear at the anger disallusionment, and bitter distrust I now feel. As if all the tenderness has fled my heart and left only a bitter old man to hardened to weep for the beauty around him.

And now the silence is far too prevalent from those I once called "friend". I should be happy for Lisa. I know she has moved on, and has found happieness, but I am bitter still. This has lead to her too growing the ranks of the silent. Those that I wish oh so badly to say something, ANYTHING. In the end only the silence prevails, and with that comes the Voice of Despair.

"They have abandoned you" it whispers. "They have seen you are in pain and can not make their world right as you once did, and you are now useless to all." Worse is the thoughts that I deserve this. That I failed men that counted on me, I failed the women that loved me, so do i then deserve this? Do I deserve to be the wretch that I have become?

Turning Points

I am RTD. Return to Duty. For me this is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because although it will be hard I will finally get back into shape, and PT is a must. But it also meands that dark cloud hangs in the horrizon. Iraq. It has become an all consuming thought for me, and as one relatinship after another fails not only miserably but catastopically, it has me feeling depressed and in a way just wishing for the witing to end. I am so tired of waiting for that golden bullet, and that dam IED. i just wish it would hurry up and get my ass sometimes.

The thought of going back is both grim and terrifying at the same time. I can not help but see myself torn to shreds lying in some ditch somewhere. Worse the thought of the nebulous "Dark Side" I have. I have nightmares that would terrify people if they knew I had them. Terrible things happen to me and are done by me. The worst part of all. . . part of me, the sick twisted and demented part of me, actually ENJOYS this. It is scay. I've been told i have a "tender soul". The evil that is laden in the back of my mind is like a slow poison. Like shooting Alkali or acid into ones veins. I can almost feel the corrosive affects on my soul.

In other news, I have been in a low grade depression for a few days. Well that and I'm also slightly pissed off. You see Lisa, who has left so many hints that her BF is well shall we say not of a high calibur, or an ass or that she idn't love him that much, has done a complete 180 since he left. Hearing about her tearful goodbye has left me in such a state that i truly hate ALL women. I nearly borke my computer when i saw the IM she sent. Not one lear was shed when I left. Not a "I'll miss you so much". Nothing. In fact in a way she almost egged me on to go.

I can't explain why this should hurt so much. Why does it feel like a final betrayal? I have a therory but I am not a shrink, so i wouldn't know. The running thought is that well thoughts of the brief and (very) happy time we spent together were all that kept me going after Craig died. And when Harrelson died. . . well If it hadn't been for her, (and SFC Mays, who I owe a LOT to) I would have lost it and not been able to function.

The whole sortid affair has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I think about the last 7 months and I'm actually in awe that i didn't put a bullet in the brain pan (for referance you want to do the "Hitler shot" that is in the mouth pointed slightly upward towards the base of the skull. Relativly painless and takes out the Carebellum with is pretty much instant death). The disapointment failure, and desperate almost mad hope that I placed on each relationship made it that much harder to pich up the peices. How many times can you Glue a Vase back together before it's hoplessly smashed? So too is my heart.

Yesterday I had the simple phraise going through my head Liars, Cheats, ALL! And sadly over the last 7 months since my Evac, I have been proven right more often then not. I am so TIRED of being told how great a guy i am, and how some day I'll find the "one". WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!!! If I am so great, why then am i not worth the effort to stay with? I have become suspicious to the point that personal motto on dating has become "if they actually want to be with you, they're Lying or they have a shit load of baggage."

First it was Lisa, then Erika, then in a small way Nicole, then Andrea and I'm so tired of it all!!! I miss the simplicity of the Mission. Do your job watch your sector and be prepaired to adapt. The sad part is there is no ROE with women. Anything goes, and usually it is from a selfish outlook on life that they relate to people. For example, if a guy were to "test the waters" as it were that's horrible, if a woman does that's expected. If she dresses like a slut goes to the clubs and rubs on a bunch of different guys that's just "having a good time". Never mind what the poor fool thinks when she does that. All the while they hold their sexuality over us poor wreched men, like a weapon. A tool to make us poor fools do what they please.

Want examples? Go to a bar. Any resaonably good looking woman (even the ones that aren't) will dress a certain way that advertises, and all sorts of guys will buy her drinks all night. Then she might thank him, but SHE is the one in control of the situation. For the love of god I want control just once. Is it too much to ask? I just want so badly to BELIVE in someone. Nicole would tell me that i have to have faith in the Big Guy. Erika would listen and tell me to cheer up then she'd ask "anything else" like i were at a drive up window, Katie (Combat Labtech) would say "Cheer up B" Smitty well, I think there are times she knows the place I'm at the best even though she always smiles and such. Chuck, well I'm not sure what he'd say but i don't liek bitching to him, and my guys, well, Jeff is the only one I'd tell all this shit too.

They say old soldiers never die, they just fade away. Honestly I just want to fade away. when I'm not raging at the world, I'm tired and worn out. This is not how people were ment to live and I am so tired of it. Why am I made to suffer this way. What sins have I commited that deserve such treatment?

Good News?

Most people say this is a good thing, but I have found out Andrea is NOT pregnant. Most would say "good news" or "your off the hook" things of that nature. In a way they are right. It will make things easier, this added burden could have broken me. It can only be said that there is a sense of relief in this revilation.

However part of me is saddened by this news. I think that there is a part of me that is crestfallen over this latest development. With the thought of an upcomming deployment, and a load of other things on my mind (like my last deployment, all the various Ex girlfriends that haunt my life et cetera) Part of me wanted to think that there would be something of me left should the worst happen. I can only wonder what to do about this latest development.

So. . . what now?

I had to see the Divion Psychiatrist today, but i nearly didn't make it. She had moved her "office" up to CTMC on the Hill, and i played it off as "I forgot and went to the wrong place". In actuality I hadn't slept the night before. It was mostly due to this highly addictive game called black and white 2. It's kind of a cross between ages of empires and simcity, but in this you get to be a "god". It's actually wicked fun to be a "god" and send all the little people flying. Of course i was a good guy, but one of these days I'm going to be really really evil.

But the point is that The LTC said I might be looking at MedBoard. Now far be it for me to say, but if I'm going to get kicked out of the army for medical reasons I want it to be because I'm so completly FUBAR that there is no WAY i can possibly function in the army. I know that sounds crazy, but that's what it is. I actually don't know how I'd feel about it. Do I really want to get out? Sad fact is the Army is all I know and two combat tours later, it's all i can imagine.

And yet, I can not deny her claim that not only is the army not doing me any favors, but it is also causing me serious harm to keep doing what I am doing. I can understand that. I tried to pleade my case, that I just wanted the "band-aid" that will allow me to do my job and keep on going. After all there aren't that many people with experience that are willing to be line medics. Most, after their first tour are pretty much in the FTA mode.

I can not get over the thought of MedBoard. Spoken (around these parts) with a sligh hiss of dislike. The whole process can take as much as 18 months, and in the end I'll get out with not that much to my name but the junk in my room that i have no way to store, and a car I'll have no way to pay for. I suppose it could be a LOT worse, but i really don't know how. Something about the thought of giving up, of getting ofrced out cuz i couldn't hack it has me appalled.

I said as much to the LTC, and she kind of back tracked, and said something to the affect that it was the only logical step. The way she explained it, it made a lot of sensed, and yet there was a part of me that is trully appalled at the idea. I have this amazing duality about me. Part of me wants to "lay down the sword and take up the plow" and part of me would rather "die by the sword" I wonder if it is this way with all soldiers, or just the crazy brave or false stupid.

I'm not a "Brass Monkey" a "medal pirate" or anything like that. When people call me a hero I shrug and usually say that I am not, and yet there is something noble in this quest, this venture, that I can not deny. I ask myself, would that same sense of nobility follow me? I truly wonder, and I can not answer the question. Part of me is feeling the growing sense of . . . dare I say, destiny, upon me. That there will come a time where I will need to stand and take my place in history. i was watching a thing on the founding fathers, and in my vainity i thought to myself that truly I am not that dissimilar from them. Is that then what i should do?

I do not think I can Get out on such terms If I am supposed to explore this destiny of mine.

Household Good madness

Well they're here at last. My Household goods. ALL the shit I had in Texas, and Hawaii showed up at ONE time. Needless to say it has made WALKING (to say nothing of cleaning) all but impossible. I can not rember, now, HOW I managed to store all this stuff, what I do know is that there is no way in hell i can keep this the way it is.

Still, in a way it was pretty cool to go through all this stuff. I had just about every issue of Army Times (i know it's a bad habbit but i never throw the dam things out) that i ever bought. I could look back and laugh about the articles that did come true, and the ones that were horribly wrong. But more than that, I was physically reconected to my past. What do i mean by this? Well to have physical reminders of the person I used to be. It is not often that a person runns across such things, and it made me smile.

Certainly it has lifted my mood a small amount. Not to a jubilant level, or even a happy level (for there is a lot of work involved) but to an amused level. It was enough that I actually smiled. I am glad, all things considdered that I was able to see these reminders of who and what I am. It was almost like i was indiana Jones, descovering some lost relic.

The downside. . . I have neither the time, nor inclination to go through it all, and I have more than few official looking documents that I need to either disgaurd or keep. I think that (for the most part) they will all be disguarded, but in this day in age to prevent identity theft they'd all need to be burned. That presents a bit of a problem. Reciets in the parking lot are onething. At least a couple boxes worth of paper. . . quite another. Add to that that there is a fire danger (with allo the brush around) and you have a resipe for disaster if not handeled carefully. Plus, I'm not the woodsman I once fancied myself. I kind of do need a permit for burning.

the hard part now, is actually finding the things i need to go about my daily life. I can't find my shaver, and lord alone knows where my toothbrush is. I suppose the only solidly good news is that When all is said and done, it feels like a peice of me has returned. Not the peice that was missing mind you, but a peice none the less.

It's going to take DAYS to get this crap cleaned out. God help me.

Unexpected Surprise.

I suppose if there were one thing i was not expecting it would be talking to Andrea on any level. I will not lie, when it came time, i did nothing to try to save the relationship we were in. I suppose hurt was natural, but at the time she broke up with me, well lets just say feeling much of anything hurt too damm much and i was through fighting. I guess she sensed this. She broke up with me and promptly moved on.

It was a lice little ribb to get from her that she told me only two weeks later she's not only moved on but done the one thing she swore she'd never do (namely date women). There was the customary accusations and the "your such an asshole speach". I gave it to her and really let her know how I felt about her whole selfish nature. In the end I was religated to "Fucking asshole" and "never want to hear from you again".

I suppose I would be alright with this, except only a few days later she shocked me with some really mind blowing news. She's late. As in the Uh-oh late. No cause for alarm she says, just stress. She takes a test and it's negitive and i go back to being ignored. Then she txts me that she took another test and it was positive. to which i replied "oh fun". I can't remember what shocked me more the "that's all you have to fucking say" or "i never want to fucking hear from you again".

Stress aside, yes i get it she really isn't in the position in life where she's cool with this happening. Well guess what NEITHER AM I!!! I would think the whole "might deploy to a warzone soon" might have made sense. but no. It really bothers me that the whole conversation revolves around her, and always implies that I will have no responsibility or part in it. Serously, the whole Lifetime, "woman thou art wronged" crap has got to STOP!!!

So here's something really scary for me to come to grips with. A woman that i am incompatible with in a relationship, is going to have a child that is at least half mine. I'm going to be a father? Is this really happening? I had dreamed of this for so long, but the circumstances were WAY different. Now i will not shirk my duties, or responsibilities, but here's the thing, I am not ready. I have not come to terms with it in anyway. I have only told two people, and even that was hard. How do i tell people that seem to think I'm some kind of saint? What pearls of wisdom could I possibly impart on a child I'll never see? What more must i now sacrafice?

The whole idea has blown my mind. But worse, I can not help but admit some part of me hopes that this is all going to blow over. the same part of me that doesn't want to face the music when the time (inevitibly) comes. Be it being late on homework, or more serous things, there will always be a part of me, that practically screams that I run away from anything that is going to be hard to stand up to. I know it's human, but I hate it so.

I wanted a wife, THEN kids. I never wanted a "baby's mama". The thought sounds so hollow in my mind. As if I have betrayed the very core of my upbringing with this. Even now I can only imagine the dumbfound faces that are reading this. My friends that know me so well, I can only imagine what is going through their minds. I know what I would feel, and i pray to God almighty, that they do not feel this same way.

In the end I can not deny, in this matter at least all parties have a selfish streak. When the time comes I will support the child, and defend it with my dying breath, but that does not mean that I will be a good parent. Further, in my quest for love, and "the one" that everyone keeps telling me about, could they accept this? I'm only just now moving on from Andrea. Mostly taking it VERY slow, and "playing the feild" as it were. I have had ONE kinda sorta date since I've gotten back to Riley, and that's been over a month. I suppose that's what Irks me the most about the whole thing, she moved on pretty damm quick and yet throws the acusations at ME. What do i do? Sit there and take it like a gentleman. But i can only take so much.

So the question is what do i do now? what can I do?

Speechless

I have no idea what to think about this strange affect that i have on women that seems to render them speechless or at least not sure what to say. I know this is partially because they are guilty. In some strange way there are always feelings for me. No matter what happens I'm always this "amazing guy" or "great guy" or something of the like. I have to wonder why it is that women will get into a relationship and yet feel guilty that they have other people in love with them.

I wonder if I am too intense for my own good, or if it is something else. Am I an anacrhronism (something not belonging to this time) or is it something else? Long have I silently agonized that there are people that can not understand me. When I type things on messenger I may sometimes say things that are a bit poetic, or perhaps something that I have heard in a book or movie. Sometimes I'll off hadidly quote something that I sure thing is witty, or fitting. The problem is that no one seems to be able to understand me at all.

I was trying to make a point to Lisa, tonight that she deserved better that what she's with, and the problem made me just want to scream. Most of the time we don't speak. In fact there are times that I do not talk to women, or friends on the simple fact that they can't understand what I'm trying to say, so the silence increases. I have seen it with Lisa, Nicole, even males are not immune. Some of the guys in my platoon are the same way. When I try to talk to them, I suppose some of the things that are underlying tend to seep through.

In the case of Nicole I can understand to some degree. I mean after all who could take one of those wild and crazy "you are my soulmate" speaches and actually know what to say. I don't think she ever really thought about it, and when she turns around she is not sure what to say. But more than that when i try to talk about my life, there is an underlying sadness, an almost soul crushing malencoly that always shows through. She knows better than anyone else how i have suffered. I don't think many people would know what to do with that kind of pain.

But far worse is the isolation it gives me to not be able to talk to someone about the things I'm going through, for the simple reason that no matter how I frame it, they are not sure what or how to say it, yet should the situation be reversed, I always seem to know what to say to these people that will brighten their days. It sucks.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm smart, everyone keeps telling me I'm special, that I'm something to look up to, well dammit it's lonely at the top. There are days that I'd scratch out my eyes if my soulmate would reveal herslef and take away this awful isolation I feel. Everytime I say something and fail to receive a reply i feel it. This gnawing sence that I am either being ignored or I am alone. My beliefs are going out to deaf ears and the feeling that not only will no one listen, but also that no one cares is starting to really make me feel like there is no escape from this predicament.

Do i wear my heart on my sleeve? Yes I do. Do I Love those that will never return that affection in kind? As time goes on, it only gets worse. Is there a solution? No. There is no way i can change my nature. I see this beacon of light in a person, and if i see it I will latch on to it with a death grip and not let go until I am brused and battered. I will believe in people unti it is long since past time to abondon all hope. So why do I do this? Why do I allow myself to become consumed my anachronistic ways. Why is my manner and speach so hard for people to understand?

In an age where things are expected to move fast and information is obtained in an almost lazy way, people are not accustomed to taking time to say what you mean, and selecting your words so they'll have impact. When they come across these phraises, and form of speach they are unsure what to do, or how to take it. But also there is rarely eve a person willing to let their passions slip out through Instant Messengers. When passions are reserved for bedchambers, and even then only in ways that can best be describbed as vouyeristic ways, it is strange then for a person to speak from the heart and the mind at the same time.

Whatever the cause of this silence I inspire in others, it has become thounderous to my ears and blinding to my eyes. That once deep and close friends have drifted away because of circumstance is to be ecpected, when those self same friends and ex loves drift away because they "don't know what to say" then there is something truly tragic about this. I think it's easy to let silence reign. It is so much easier to not say anything at all, but then are our lives enriched this way? Are they not, in fact made cheaper by taking such an approach? Can there be a way to say what you feel, even when you are so shocked by events? Or is it that the phraising of things is over emphasized?

I despair in the fact that the only people that are even close to grasping who I am are most often the onse that are silent. Indeed it was only in my formative years that my Grandma, and my mom really seemed to understand who and what I was. Unfortunatly as time went on the number of people that understood or even tried to understand me dwindled. Mired by distrust, and a feeling of betrayal over things that had happened in my life, the number of those I trust dwindled to only a handful, and now those too are silent.

Silence, can i not escape this acursed silence!!! When oh when Lord will it be my turn? I am neither prophet nor saint, and the strength I have is fleeting in the face of this damnible isolation!

Grade A bullshitting

there is a skill set that is required to get by in the army. That skill is bullshitting. Now I don't want to toot my own horn, but from time to time I've laid down some pretty good bullshit. I mean after all what's the fun of simply getting off, when a beautiful peice of creative bullshit makes it so that you not only have the "whew" factor of just getting by, by the skin of your teeth, but you have a much more important shit eating grin cuz you not only got off you got off smelling like roses.



In this particular case I had missed an appointment on the 15th of April. Now when I say missed I mean I woke up 45 mins after it was supposed to start. I didn't figgure it out right away, but i surley had the "oh shit" factor right away, and rushed on down there. Fortunatly for me the guy after me cancelled. so technically i still got seen. Be that as it may, I was still going to get in trouble for it.



Apparently the COL is comming down hard on this stuff. Missing apts is a BIG deal at WTB. So i pawned it off. I baisically said that after the AFL game i went to sleep at 0200 having taken Ambien. In truth i actually went to sleep around 0330, and didn't take anything. The story goes i woke up at 1000 and rushed over there and was five mins late, when in actuality i woke up at 1045, and got there at 1100. The good news is i got seen as a walk in, so *technically* I made my apointment. I told my case manager and my squad leader and they all said it was cool but the forms must be obeyed.

In the end i had to write an "AAR" Esentially what happened, what was supposed to happen, and what i was going to do to fix it. I wrote about three quaters of a page using all sorts of "official" language. The whole time i had a huge shit eating grin. If there is one point i look at something and know i have talent at it is bull shitting. How ironic that creativity i think i suck at yet telling people what they want to hear in very official language is what I'm so VERY good at.

The first kick back was pretty simple but the whole time a had a SFC going up and down the halls fuming about micromanagemnet. I just sat there writting and after the first kickback i was good. It was so good in fact that while everyone else on the list was getting counciling statements and UCMJ, my happy ass just walked out with a big ol shit eatin grin. It was first rate officer bullshitting, and i can't believe i pulled it off.

of course i was admonished by my squad leader not to do it again, and really i won't, or at least i will try not to. all in all scott free with a good dose of bullshit. A hint for anyone that is in trouble. Always look for lengthy words, and such. Phraises such as "including but not limited to" and lengthy words. I'd have to have had the whole thing to show here, but I can not help this little grin of self satisfaction. Like i said normally I don't toot my own horn, but I always do get a kick out of such things.

Sexual laws. The good the bad and the strange.

I saw this on Fox News website. The article detailed the various Laws that are actually on the books, that makes no sence. The problem with these laws is that there is no real way to enforce them, minus extreme invasion of privacy, and well let's face it, some of them are just plain strange. I couldn't help but laugh at them, and I hope you get a kick out of them as well. you can read the full article here: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,351636,00.html?sPage=fnc/health/sexpert


-Sex toys are banned in some states, such as Alabama.
- Sexual intercourse between unmarried couples is illegal in Georgia.
-Flirting is banned in San Antonio, Texas.
-Oral sex is banned in Indiana.
-Anal intercourse is banned in Cincinnati, Ohio.
-Sexual positions beyond missionary are illegal in Washington, D.C.
-sleeping naked is illegal in Minnesota.
— If you’re in Idaho, you’re not allowed to engage in any type of public display of affection for more than 18 minutes.
— In Iowa, you've got a five-minute time limit to make out. But that’s an eternity when you consider that it’s illegal to smooch for more than one second if you’re in Halethorpe, Md.
— An ancient law in Alabama bans men from attempting to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, arts, deception, flattery or a promise of marriage."
— Connecticut has a law forbidding any "private sexual behavior between consenting adults." We have to give them credit, though, for at least making this law pretty clear. An old Florida statute states that two people cannot commit "unusual acts" together, but there’s no specification as to what that means!
— An old law in California made it illegal for either partner to reach climax before the other during foreplay.
— Florida once made it illegal to have sexual relations with a porcupine.
— You can’t marry the same man three times in some Kentucky townships.
— It is illegal for men in Minnesota to have intimate sexual relationships with a live fish.
— If you’re a member of the Nevada legislature, you cannot conduct business, while in session, wearing a penis costume.
— In North Carolina, it’s an offense to have sex in a graveyard.
— Women in Dyersburg, Tenn., cannot call a man for a date.
— If their car is in motion, male drivers in Detroit are banned from "ogling" women.
— It is illegal to serenade your girlfriend in Kalamazoo, Mich.
— In Oblong, Ill., it’s illegal to have sex on your wedding day if you’re fishing or hunting.
— A man in Ames, Iowa, cannot take more than three swallows of beer while holding his wife in his arms in bed.
— Alexandria, Ariz., once banned husbands from having sex with their wives if their breath smelled of sardines, garlic or onion. (Funny enough, all of those have been considered aphrodisiacs at one time or another!)
— Husbands in Willowdale, Ore., can be fined for talking dirty during intercourse, but their wives can say whatever they please.
— An old statute in Florida banned a man from kissing his wife’s breasts.
Laws Lacking True Logic
These laws simply speak for themselves:
— A man cannot seduce a woman by promising to marry her in Mississippi.
— While up to 120 men can live together in Pennsylvania, it is illegal for more than 16 women to do so, since this could constitute a brothel.
— It is illegal in Utah to marry your first cousin before the age of 65.
— In Nebraska, couples sleeping at a hotel must wear the clean, cotton nightshirt provided by the hotel, even when they have sex.
— Florida has a statute making it an offense to shower in the nude.
— Women in New York cannot be seen wearing "body hugging clothing."
— An old Mississippi edict holds that men cannot become sexually aroused in public.
Just So You Know
In case you were thinking about it, any of the following can get you into trouble ...
— If you’re unmarried in North Carolina and you and your lover register yourselves as a "Mr. and Mrs." when checking into a motel, then you’re legally considered husband and wife.
— In Oklahoma, if you’re arrested for soliciting a prostitute, your name and picture will be shown on TV.
— Sex with an animal is perfectly legal for men in Washington state, as long as the animal weighs less than 40 pounds.
— It is illegal for a man to fire his gun in Connersville, Wis., when his lover reaches climax.
— Having sex in a walk-in meat freezer is banned in Newcastle, Wyo.

— The Arizona State Supreme Court considered it perfectly all right for women to go topless in public, since breasts weren’t deemed private parts.
— You can streak in Louisiana as long as you can prove to a court beyond a doubt that you had no "lascivious intent."
— Couples in Carlsbad, N.M., can have sex in their parked car during their lunch break, as long as the curtains are drawn.
— Women in New York can go topless in public, unless it is for "business" reasons.

Rememberances

I have lost four men durring my service these men were the best. Now that my guys are back, and I might be going again, I can not help but look back. I found Faith, and strength through my trials, and I can only hope that one day, somehow I will be owrthy of their sacrafice.



David Mahlenbrock: I Havn't really talked about his death outside of the Mental health arena. I do not want his death, or the circumstances of it to cause his family any more pain. Needless to say it was the first time I saw death first hand. It was perhaps the most horrible thing I had seen to that point, and it really made me want to re-affirm my Faith. I asked around about him, after the fact, but i really want to find someone that knew him, so that i can learn his story.





Daniel McConnell: This was one of the longest nights of my first tour (the lojngest was when the round hit the POD area) We got a call that some major incident had happened and we needed to boogie out to this sight. I loaded up every medic, and the doctor on the small FOB we were on and drove at high speed to the sight of the incident. It truly amazed me how willing people were to drop everything and put themselves at risk for their fellow man. After cutting the PSG out of the Battery box, and doing some careful, yet ingenious use of Wreckers we were able to get a second man out. Sadly the vehicle had overturned on his chest, and eventhough we made every effort imaginable to get him out, ther was simply no saving him. I can not explain the disapointment i felt at the time, having sucessfully evaced two men from the overturned HMMWV, at seeing there was no hope of saving him. Worse a few hours earlier i had signed him into the internet.





Andre Craig Jr: I have already given my account of that terrible day. I can not even begin to explain how deeply felt this loss was. I realized afterwards that i should have made more of an effort to get to know him. I can tell you that baised on the post-mortem, he did not suffer, as i had belived initially, but hearing the vitals being called out at Loyalty I knew that no matter what i had done, there was no saving him. I questioned myself and barrated myself endlessly, until of all people CPT Brock set me on the right path and told me that even if this had happened on the doorstep of the CSH (pronounced cash), they still wouldn't have been able to save him. I will say one thing about that day, everything was spot on. The platoon reacted well, and made the best of an absolutly terrible situation. I could only hope that were I wounded, people would be as responsive.




James J. Harrelson: "Spanky" I remember how i went around to see how the platoon was doing after Craig's death. He is the one i remember the most. I found him in his bed staring into space. I went to try to comfort him, and he told me that he couldn't stop seeing him hurt like that. I told him that it wouldn't be easy, but it would get better. he looked at me and said "you did a good job Doc. If I ever get hurt I want you working on me". When we first started he was "that guy" the one that always got in trouble, the one that always got the living hell smoked out of him, and yet, he never stopped being himself. His country way was such that he was easy to talk to, and even though he sometimes was pegged as a bit of a hick, he had a maturity beyond his years at time. To hear him talk about Engeneering, and how he was going to go college and get his engeneering degree. . . I'd like to think in his final days i really got to know him. I'd like to think we were friends. I don't know if he suffered. some said he did, some said he was killed instantly. Only God knows. What I do know is that i felt it was my solem duty to bare his litter for the "hero flight" and that someday I will visit Alabama. From the way he describbed it, it must be an amazing place.



No mater what else you may learn from this, know this. These were real people. These were good men. We can not always choose the time and circumstances of our deaths, but you can control how you meet that fate. If you hold your head high, and walk proudly, you will have nothing to fear when you are "called to the carpet" to account for your life.

Football Monday

One of the few nice things about the army in this day in age is that from time to time thepublic will do nice things for you. Sometimes it's discounted rates to hotels, sometimes they'll move you to first class on a plant (which if you've never done before i HIGHLY recomend.)or letting you take a shower in the VIP lounge fter a long flight. I really havn't done anyhting like this lately.

Last night i got to go see an Arena football game. Interesting thing about AFL, it's not really the same as the NFL. The feild is WAY shorter. The plays are quicker, brutal, and the scores are way higher. One of the things I found funny was that Kansas City's team is called Kansas City Brigade, yet the logo is the B-2 Spirit. It makes me laugh for those that don't know, Brigade is an Army/Marine Corps thing. In the Air Force, the equilevant unit was a Wing. Doesn't really sound as cool



The game was pretty close, and more than once the ref called some calls that absolutly made no sence. In the end the Chicago "Rush" won the game. I really did not care who won. Football is football. It's one of the things that you can't really get away from in american culture. It's our verson of gladiators. Now blood is not spilled in such liberal qualities, but the combat can be just as brutal. With the great joy of TV, we can watch in slow motion the harsh combat, over and over again. It still is better to see in person i think. It feels more real.

But another thing I noticed, is that the Cheerleaders are a far more intrigral part of the game.



I sat pretty dam close to the feild, and it was actually kind of cool. I got to talk to a woman who had a friend on the dance team. Apparently there are two teams of "dancers". One of them is the "technical" team that are more inclined to do stunts the other pretty much just dance and look hot.

I found out thar apparently I was on TV a few times. That's pretty cool I almost want to go find out if anyone taped it just to see what i looked like on TV. Must be cool . I think that It's finally time for me to go out and enjoy myself. For the last three weeks I'd been shut up in my room, unable to break out of my shell. But I got a camera on Sat, and i started snapping pictures like a regular shutter bug. It worked out for me pretty great when I went to the AFL game.

Are All Women Insane or is it Just a Few?

Ok Lisa. . . If there is one thing I can not stand in anyone it is not being up front with someone (excepting of course in the case where someone is protecting another person) Now talking to Lisa last night, she said some raher disturbing things.



I had seen on her profile that she's engaged. Engaged? I think to myself, that can't be, I mean after all she doesn't really love Shaine, and she even told me on more than one occasion that she hates how he treats her. Think peice of meat. So i ask her about. Why yes, she is and she's been that way for a while. now i'm not sure if my jaw dropped, I'm pretty sure it did, but I can't remember. So i questioned further.



Number one question: if he said hey let's get married today, would you? Answer: no. Ok now I'm not reall up on the socail graces. Infact i have a tendancy to screw up relationships because I am too foward looking, but if i'm in a relationship with a person, and under the impression that I am going to get married, I'd hope that she would be pretty clear on it. In fact, I would rather that a woman break my heart, than lie to me and keep a charrade going. Do you love him? not sure. at this point I have to ask "HUGH?!?!"



Then she said to me that they wouldn't even get married till he gets back from Iraq in 15 months, so she had time to think about it and she wasn't even sure if he'd want to get married after Iraq. Now ladies and gentlemen, if you haven't been you probably wouldn't know, but I have not met a guy yet that has come back from Iraq and hasn't had family in some way shape or form on his mind. Hell two times later and I'm obsessed with it.

So I Baisically told her what she was saying not only made no sence it was absolutly INSANE!!! and i emphasized my point to the extreme to which she dug her heals in and I just sat there thinking, this can't be good. In the end we reached an impass, and I left feeling absolutly dirty. I won't lie I dislike Shaine, it's natural, I lost Lisa to him, but i hope to God he doesn't end up getting the same burn as i did.

Feeling the Burn

I won't lie. Nicole and I have become strangers. Although I think that's tragic, worse is realizing how different you have become. At first the rift was formed because she didn't know what to say, then i guess I added to it by blaming her in some strange way for some of the pain I felt. I think there was some kind of miscomunication.

Well I was talking to her, and i made a casual observation that she kind of throws herself into these things peice meal. I mean Hungery is cool and all, but while she is out there landscaping AND she is taking vet tech classes. I can understand some of what she does, after all there are plenty of times that I had to go out on adventures, but her way of doing things always tends t0 ring with a strange sense of not wanting to face her life. I suppose it is the same for people that join the Peace Corps. It's like she's doing all these things that give off this "Holier then thou art" air, and at the same time wresteling with the same rebelious nature ALL people experience. I won't detail some of the things she told me, tu they are definatly not the activities of a graduate of whatever bible institute she went to.

What she responded was that at least she had a direction. I was absolutly stunned that she'd turn around and deliver a low blow like that. I kinda tried to pass it off and joked that my direction was strait down, and she said she never had any doubt that her direction was strait up. At that point i simply could not say anymore to her other than "Judge not lest ye be judged". I had hoped that she was above that. My whole life I've had to reconsile issues of Faith. If you asked me what my faith was i would respond loudly and proudly "Christian" but mor then that. . . I will not deny my faith or my belief in Jesus, but I steadfastly REFUSE to push my faith on others, as it is my belief that if a man needs faith God will touch him, as he touched me.

The idea that if you simply accept Jesus and all your sins are forgiven scares me. How easy is it to go from that to Indulgences? Where a wealthy merchant can slip a bishop a few coins and his sins are forgiven? Or how far is it from that and screaming "Allah Huakbar!" as you commit terrible acts. The phraise "God is great" has become synonomis with acts of murder, rape and all the worst things of human nature. So it is a sort of creed that I follow wen it comes to religion. "Judge not lest ye be judged". I can only say steadfastly what i feel in my heart is wrong, and try to avoid that, and prevent that from happening.

How many times have I heard "all you have to do is. . . " some simple thing and everything is ok. But Life and God don't work like that. Mercy is not imposible, but aside from desiring Mercy one must have the will to EARN said Mercy. When the preacher says "if you died today, would you go to heaven?" I can't honestly say yes or no. I have done things on both sides of the colum. but i will stand "on the carpet" and say to Him "i wasn't always a good man but i tried to do right by You. and i will let Him judge me. If He decrees I Burn, then I will accept that as my fate and punishment, and try o do what is right.

What bothers me the most about the conversations aside from the obvious religious implications is the personal ones. True i have been moping and whining, and I really can't blame anyone but myself, I have a far harder time accepting that she of all people would actually sat something like that. My direction in life has been for the last five years simple. War. That is what I'm good at despite my fervent wish to the contrary. I just can not accept that Nicole of all people would act in such a way.

Bitter Dreams

It is so easy to let bitterness get to you. In the beginning you ignore it, after all, you don't want people to know that they got to you. After a while, the small things start to get to you, and then things REALLY get to you. In the end you're left with this hallow feeling. Even joy is temporary, and the memory of joy becomes that much fuel for your bitterness.

It is a viscious cycle that i find myself trapped in now. Ex-girlfirneds, friends, and even aquaintances have become fuel for this nasty downward spiral. I find myself ascociating with people that i never would have before, people i would have despised, that is, if i associate with anyone at all.

I don't know when it happened, or even why, but ever since I got back from leave, I've become a recluse. It seems as if the simple act of interacting with people is more than i can stomach, and when faced with having to do things that the army requires I do it with only half hearted attempts. I do not do more than lip service to the tasks at hand. And what am I to do with this lovely place? I let it rot.

What is it that now I hate all those that I had once loved? Why am I bound to dislike all that is bright and good? Is the darkness comming to consume me, as it does every night in my dreams. I find it hard to relate this darkness to people. Erika has begun interigating me on these matters, and trying to explain the nebulious darkess in my soul is like trying to grasp vapor with my fist.

Gag Reflex (Part II)

And here it goes again. I had an endoscopy yesterday. This time, it wasn't trying to thread the cathiter through my sphincter of oddi, this time they only went into my stomach and did a sonogram (ultrasound) through the lining of my stomach to look at my pancreas and the common bile ducts.

The actual event didn't take that long, but the things I had to do to get the party started did kind of have a nasty ring to it. First there was the whole getting up there, which required me to get up at the but crack of dawn only to find out i was over an hour early. I'm used to waiting so it was ok. After they took me back, i got into a gown, got an IV (20g, really, they shoulda used an 18)and just sat and waited to go back. It was good, cuz i caught a little cat nap. When they finally took me back, as is custome i tell jokes and then i had to have a lidocane spray on the back of my throat. Now this part really had me up in arms. Asside from the fact that it tasted next level nasty, I began to salivate like crazy. After that put a bite block in my mouth, that suddenly had me thinking that this was some bizzare sex ritual than a medical procedure, and i was out like a lightbulb. I have no idea what they used but it sure as hell worked fast.

I know it might seem odd but i was hoping for some smoking gun. some thing that would give the doctor that "ah ha" moment. I really do want to be cured, but if they find nothing, then the army in all it's wisdom will decide that i ma ship shape tip top and off to the meat grinder i go. I'm tired of the war, and yet at the same time, part of me is desperate to get back because it's the only place that i felt i mattered. I suppose you could say I've gotten addiced to being "Doc". But more than that, with all the "dear Johns" and the lousy women just looking for a cheap lift, and of course the women that only like me for my wallet. . . well i've begun to lose faith in my fellow man (and most especially woman). Iraq, as strange as it may sound is the only place where things made sense. Oh the missions were shit, but at least you had clear and defined ROE. You had clear rules to play by, and at the end of the day you didn't fuck your buddy because you depended on him. It is a gross oversimplification, but it is how i see it.

With this report, I suddenly am faced with the very real possibility that I will leave the WTB soon. A thought that carries with it mixed emotions. Do i want to go? Am I ready to be back in a unit? Can i even handel it? all these questions add up leaving me pondering my fate, which looks more and more bleak as time goes on.

Triple X'ed

I think there is no other goup of people (and do i hate that it is infact a growing group) that vexes me more than my exes. All the women that I've loved or have loved me, in some way or another come back to bite me in the ass. I do not know if this is some kind of curse or if it is sipmly Karma. Andrea, the Bi that i helped through one break up, has in turn broken up with me.



I can't say i blame her. I've been acting like a complete basket case. I was not the cute picture of a boyfriend she had, I was stand offish and well generally a loner. In essence what I have become. When she asked if i could imagine my life without her, I replied i can't imagine my life with ANYBODY. She took that as I don't love her. A mistake but what can you say? She is so high on emotions that she doesn't understand how I could turn them off. Let's face it, It was a survial mechinism that became a way of life.

Of Course there is Lisa. It's almost a recurent theme. The things that I had gotten her in Iraq, and for her birthday kept staring at me. I had to send (some of) it off. I'm glad she liked the UT jersey that I sent, but in the end of the day, she is aaffraid to let go of a boyfriend that she doesn't love. It's a shame she went through the kind of childhood that she did. the fear of abandonment, and the lack of healthy relationships have left her with a nasty habbit to cling to things that are not good for her. I can only wonder why she won't confront this, but at the end of the day, we all have things that we're affraid to confront. I'm just sorry she hasn't learned more from the harsh lessons that she has so recently recieved. To have miscarried the baby, must have been hard.

I can not in my own cynical way, help but think that perhaps this was the best outcome. I think young life is the most important thing in the world, but if she kept going the way she was, is, that life would have had a lot of issues. I can not help but feel a softness in my heart, despite the glaring things I see before me. But it is empty, without future, and I have come to accept that.

Lastly there is Martha. My "high school sweetheart". Out of the blue i get an e-mail and a phone call from her. I can not even begin to explain what a can of worms that was. In twenty mins she sounded both proud of me, worried about me, and looking down on my life choices at the same time. It's amazing how the simple phrase "i thought you'd have a career" could smash your morale. She's married, working in a prision, and telling me "it's so amazing" to be married, yet she still thinks of me all the time.

I think the worst part of the whole conversation was how she was telling me i had to get out and do something else. It wasn't so much that she said it, it was more how she said it. I can't begin to explain right now. It left a bitter taste in my mouth. I am not sure why she said these things, but i can not deny their impact. Yet another Ex is happy, married and in a stable way.

Here i sit in the "empty room in the barraks" wanting more than anything for this solitude to end. It's liek a voice inside my head and my heart is screaming, pleading and praying, crying and genrally doing anything possible to be heard. It never reaches through to my almost passive exterior, but it is clear through my writting the sence of hurt betrayal and desperate longing that seems to consume my soul.

I swear if another Ex girlfriend tell me that "the one" will come along soon and i'll be madly in love with her yadda yadda, i'm going to shit a brick. It's all well and good to tell that to someone when your happy. It's like watching a tragity verson of "good luck chuck". All my Ex's have found love. All of them have seemed to find happyness, and when i look over my shoulder the ghosts of past love stare back at me mocking my lonley walk on this lonely road. Truly there is no speices as cruel as Woman.

Sleepless Nights Dreamless Days

For the past week i have not slept at night. Part of it is a restlessness i can't seem to shake. The Platoon will be back soon, and i wonder what they will think of me, but more, i'm starting to ask what i think of myself, and I'm not sure I like the answers.Worst of all my hand, steady for the most part, has begun to shake again. I'll catch it, and it's like a bad loop. The more i stare at it the worse it shakes the more freaked out I become.





In truth I've been so wound up, I'm not sure what to think. I just got out of a meeting with DJ, and a simple "how are you?" turned into an hour long rant about everything from family values, the morally bankrupt society we (soldiers) serve, but most of all the terrible isolation i feel. Why do i chase women so hard? It's not for sex. If I wanted that I could get it pretty easily. I want to feel connected so desperatly. I look at all the "cute" babies in the PX, the dual military families, the spouce waiting for his/her soldier, and you know what I'm jealous! But at the same time i see around me those self same relationships detonate beacuse one or the other lied, cheated or was so irresponsible, that it left both of them screwed.





My Platoon is comming back, and they were the last thing that i truly felt a part of. The scary thing for me is that i have mixed emotions to say the least. Should i go? Should i talk to them, or should i just fade away in to the distance. A faint memory as i have become for everyone else. The hard part is accepting that in the end that is all i will become. I want so badly to have that "lifelong friend" but i fear that i will never have that.





The "empty room in the barraks" my worst fear has become my prison of sorts. Its not that i'm affraid to go outside but i can't sleep at night for some reason. I sleep durring the day. And that's not good. The nights have become my own personal prison, that i can't seem to escape. It scares me just a little bit.