Sunday, April 20, 2008

Unexpected Surprise.

I suppose if there were one thing i was not expecting it would be talking to Andrea on any level. I will not lie, when it came time, i did nothing to try to save the relationship we were in. I suppose hurt was natural, but at the time she broke up with me, well lets just say feeling much of anything hurt too damm much and i was through fighting. I guess she sensed this. She broke up with me and promptly moved on.

It was a lice little ribb to get from her that she told me only two weeks later she's not only moved on but done the one thing she swore she'd never do (namely date women). There was the customary accusations and the "your such an asshole speach". I gave it to her and really let her know how I felt about her whole selfish nature. In the end I was religated to "Fucking asshole" and "never want to hear from you again".

I suppose I would be alright with this, except only a few days later she shocked me with some really mind blowing news. She's late. As in the Uh-oh late. No cause for alarm she says, just stress. She takes a test and it's negitive and i go back to being ignored. Then she txts me that she took another test and it was positive. to which i replied "oh fun". I can't remember what shocked me more the "that's all you have to fucking say" or "i never want to fucking hear from you again".

Stress aside, yes i get it she really isn't in the position in life where she's cool with this happening. Well guess what NEITHER AM I!!! I would think the whole "might deploy to a warzone soon" might have made sense. but no. It really bothers me that the whole conversation revolves around her, and always implies that I will have no responsibility or part in it. Serously, the whole Lifetime, "woman thou art wronged" crap has got to STOP!!!

So here's something really scary for me to come to grips with. A woman that i am incompatible with in a relationship, is going to have a child that is at least half mine. I'm going to be a father? Is this really happening? I had dreamed of this for so long, but the circumstances were WAY different. Now i will not shirk my duties, or responsibilities, but here's the thing, I am not ready. I have not come to terms with it in anyway. I have only told two people, and even that was hard. How do i tell people that seem to think I'm some kind of saint? What pearls of wisdom could I possibly impart on a child I'll never see? What more must i now sacrafice?

The whole idea has blown my mind. But worse, I can not help but admit some part of me hopes that this is all going to blow over. the same part of me that doesn't want to face the music when the time (inevitibly) comes. Be it being late on homework, or more serous things, there will always be a part of me, that practically screams that I run away from anything that is going to be hard to stand up to. I know it's human, but I hate it so.

I wanted a wife, THEN kids. I never wanted a "baby's mama". The thought sounds so hollow in my mind. As if I have betrayed the very core of my upbringing with this. Even now I can only imagine the dumbfound faces that are reading this. My friends that know me so well, I can only imagine what is going through their minds. I know what I would feel, and i pray to God almighty, that they do not feel this same way.

In the end I can not deny, in this matter at least all parties have a selfish streak. When the time comes I will support the child, and defend it with my dying breath, but that does not mean that I will be a good parent. Further, in my quest for love, and "the one" that everyone keeps telling me about, could they accept this? I'm only just now moving on from Andrea. Mostly taking it VERY slow, and "playing the feild" as it were. I have had ONE kinda sorta date since I've gotten back to Riley, and that's been over a month. I suppose that's what Irks me the most about the whole thing, she moved on pretty damm quick and yet throws the acusations at ME. What do i do? Sit there and take it like a gentleman. But i can only take so much.

So the question is what do i do now? what can I do?

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