Monday, April 28, 2008

Deafening Silence

There is nothing in this world more terrible than silence. Not the whine of Rockets or the explosions. Not the screams of the wounded or the moans of the dying. There is nothing on this earth more terrible than silence. Nothing quite so terrible as the absence of anything. Why are we terrified of the dark? For the same reason the silence can be terrifiying. That absence, that abyss is full of all the terrors we do not have the courage to confront.

Even in my current state, I know well enough to know that people are trying to help, but nothing that is said or doen seems to penatrate this bleak despair that surrounds me. Not the tender words of a friend, or the harsh words of an adversary, both a treasure in their own way. And thus I stay in Silence. A state more terrible then any chaos I have thus endured. With only myself and a room full of physical reminders of pasts lost to me, and hope crushed, it is easy to see why my psyche has started to unravel in such an acelerated way.

I Find it more comfortable to sleep in the day, when there is life, but to do this I stay up at night, when the silence is at it's worst. I know that my pain will not accost me in the day. But at night when I am alone, I am full of fear. Fear at the anger disallusionment, and bitter distrust I now feel. As if all the tenderness has fled my heart and left only a bitter old man to hardened to weep for the beauty around him.

And now the silence is far too prevalent from those I once called "friend". I should be happy for Lisa. I know she has moved on, and has found happieness, but I am bitter still. This has lead to her too growing the ranks of the silent. Those that I wish oh so badly to say something, ANYTHING. In the end only the silence prevails, and with that comes the Voice of Despair.

"They have abandoned you" it whispers. "They have seen you are in pain and can not make their world right as you once did, and you are now useless to all." Worse is the thoughts that I deserve this. That I failed men that counted on me, I failed the women that loved me, so do i then deserve this? Do I deserve to be the wretch that I have become?

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