Saturday, April 19, 2008


I have no idea what to think about this strange affect that i have on women that seems to render them speechless or at least not sure what to say. I know this is partially because they are guilty. In some strange way there are always feelings for me. No matter what happens I'm always this "amazing guy" or "great guy" or something of the like. I have to wonder why it is that women will get into a relationship and yet feel guilty that they have other people in love with them.

I wonder if I am too intense for my own good, or if it is something else. Am I an anacrhronism (something not belonging to this time) or is it something else? Long have I silently agonized that there are people that can not understand me. When I type things on messenger I may sometimes say things that are a bit poetic, or perhaps something that I have heard in a book or movie. Sometimes I'll off hadidly quote something that I sure thing is witty, or fitting. The problem is that no one seems to be able to understand me at all.

I was trying to make a point to Lisa, tonight that she deserved better that what she's with, and the problem made me just want to scream. Most of the time we don't speak. In fact there are times that I do not talk to women, or friends on the simple fact that they can't understand what I'm trying to say, so the silence increases. I have seen it with Lisa, Nicole, even males are not immune. Some of the guys in my platoon are the same way. When I try to talk to them, I suppose some of the things that are underlying tend to seep through.

In the case of Nicole I can understand to some degree. I mean after all who could take one of those wild and crazy "you are my soulmate" speaches and actually know what to say. I don't think she ever really thought about it, and when she turns around she is not sure what to say. But more than that when i try to talk about my life, there is an underlying sadness, an almost soul crushing malencoly that always shows through. She knows better than anyone else how i have suffered. I don't think many people would know what to do with that kind of pain.

But far worse is the isolation it gives me to not be able to talk to someone about the things I'm going through, for the simple reason that no matter how I frame it, they are not sure what or how to say it, yet should the situation be reversed, I always seem to know what to say to these people that will brighten their days. It sucks.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm smart, everyone keeps telling me I'm special, that I'm something to look up to, well dammit it's lonely at the top. There are days that I'd scratch out my eyes if my soulmate would reveal herslef and take away this awful isolation I feel. Everytime I say something and fail to receive a reply i feel it. This gnawing sence that I am either being ignored or I am alone. My beliefs are going out to deaf ears and the feeling that not only will no one listen, but also that no one cares is starting to really make me feel like there is no escape from this predicament.

Do i wear my heart on my sleeve? Yes I do. Do I Love those that will never return that affection in kind? As time goes on, it only gets worse. Is there a solution? No. There is no way i can change my nature. I see this beacon of light in a person, and if i see it I will latch on to it with a death grip and not let go until I am brused and battered. I will believe in people unti it is long since past time to abondon all hope. So why do I do this? Why do I allow myself to become consumed my anachronistic ways. Why is my manner and speach so hard for people to understand?

In an age where things are expected to move fast and information is obtained in an almost lazy way, people are not accustomed to taking time to say what you mean, and selecting your words so they'll have impact. When they come across these phraises, and form of speach they are unsure what to do, or how to take it. But also there is rarely eve a person willing to let their passions slip out through Instant Messengers. When passions are reserved for bedchambers, and even then only in ways that can best be describbed as vouyeristic ways, it is strange then for a person to speak from the heart and the mind at the same time.

Whatever the cause of this silence I inspire in others, it has become thounderous to my ears and blinding to my eyes. That once deep and close friends have drifted away because of circumstance is to be ecpected, when those self same friends and ex loves drift away because they "don't know what to say" then there is something truly tragic about this. I think it's easy to let silence reign. It is so much easier to not say anything at all, but then are our lives enriched this way? Are they not, in fact made cheaper by taking such an approach? Can there be a way to say what you feel, even when you are so shocked by events? Or is it that the phraising of things is over emphasized?

I despair in the fact that the only people that are even close to grasping who I am are most often the onse that are silent. Indeed it was only in my formative years that my Grandma, and my mom really seemed to understand who and what I was. Unfortunatly as time went on the number of people that understood or even tried to understand me dwindled. Mired by distrust, and a feeling of betrayal over things that had happened in my life, the number of those I trust dwindled to only a handful, and now those too are silent.

Silence, can i not escape this acursed silence!!! When oh when Lord will it be my turn? I am neither prophet nor saint, and the strength I have is fleeting in the face of this damnible isolation!

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