Friday, April 18, 2008

Grade A bullshitting

there is a skill set that is required to get by in the army. That skill is bullshitting. Now I don't want to toot my own horn, but from time to time I've laid down some pretty good bullshit. I mean after all what's the fun of simply getting off, when a beautiful peice of creative bullshit makes it so that you not only have the "whew" factor of just getting by, by the skin of your teeth, but you have a much more important shit eating grin cuz you not only got off you got off smelling like roses.

In this particular case I had missed an appointment on the 15th of April. Now when I say missed I mean I woke up 45 mins after it was supposed to start. I didn't figgure it out right away, but i surley had the "oh shit" factor right away, and rushed on down there. Fortunatly for me the guy after me cancelled. so technically i still got seen. Be that as it may, I was still going to get in trouble for it.

Apparently the COL is comming down hard on this stuff. Missing apts is a BIG deal at WTB. So i pawned it off. I baisically said that after the AFL game i went to sleep at 0200 having taken Ambien. In truth i actually went to sleep around 0330, and didn't take anything. The story goes i woke up at 1000 and rushed over there and was five mins late, when in actuality i woke up at 1045, and got there at 1100. The good news is i got seen as a walk in, so *technically* I made my apointment. I told my case manager and my squad leader and they all said it was cool but the forms must be obeyed.

In the end i had to write an "AAR" Esentially what happened, what was supposed to happen, and what i was going to do to fix it. I wrote about three quaters of a page using all sorts of "official" language. The whole time i had a huge shit eating grin. If there is one point i look at something and know i have talent at it is bull shitting. How ironic that creativity i think i suck at yet telling people what they want to hear in very official language is what I'm so VERY good at.

The first kick back was pretty simple but the whole time a had a SFC going up and down the halls fuming about micromanagemnet. I just sat there writting and after the first kickback i was good. It was so good in fact that while everyone else on the list was getting counciling statements and UCMJ, my happy ass just walked out with a big ol shit eatin grin. It was first rate officer bullshitting, and i can't believe i pulled it off.

of course i was admonished by my squad leader not to do it again, and really i won't, or at least i will try not to. all in all scott free with a good dose of bullshit. A hint for anyone that is in trouble. Always look for lengthy words, and such. Phraises such as "including but not limited to" and lengthy words. I'd have to have had the whole thing to show here, but I can not help this little grin of self satisfaction. Like i said normally I don't toot my own horn, but I always do get a kick out of such things.

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