Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Sleepless Nights Dreamless Days

For the past week i have not slept at night. Part of it is a restlessness i can't seem to shake. The Platoon will be back soon, and i wonder what they will think of me, but more, i'm starting to ask what i think of myself, and I'm not sure I like the answers.Worst of all my hand, steady for the most part, has begun to shake again. I'll catch it, and it's like a bad loop. The more i stare at it the worse it shakes the more freaked out I become.

In truth I've been so wound up, I'm not sure what to think. I just got out of a meeting with DJ, and a simple "how are you?" turned into an hour long rant about everything from family values, the morally bankrupt society we (soldiers) serve, but most of all the terrible isolation i feel. Why do i chase women so hard? It's not for sex. If I wanted that I could get it pretty easily. I want to feel connected so desperatly. I look at all the "cute" babies in the PX, the dual military families, the spouce waiting for his/her soldier, and you know what I'm jealous! But at the same time i see around me those self same relationships detonate beacuse one or the other lied, cheated or was so irresponsible, that it left both of them screwed.

My Platoon is comming back, and they were the last thing that i truly felt a part of. The scary thing for me is that i have mixed emotions to say the least. Should i go? Should i talk to them, or should i just fade away in to the distance. A faint memory as i have become for everyone else. The hard part is accepting that in the end that is all i will become. I want so badly to have that "lifelong friend" but i fear that i will never have that.

The "empty room in the barraks" my worst fear has become my prison of sorts. Its not that i'm affraid to go outside but i can't sleep at night for some reason. I sleep durring the day. And that's not good. The nights have become my own personal prison, that i can't seem to escape. It scares me just a little bit.

1 comment:

KD Cartlidge said...

Hey Michael, my husband had to wait until he was 41 to find the right woman, and I'm sure as hell not perfect! But really, what you are feeling is something a lot of people go through, and sometimes keep going through time and again. I want you to know that I think about you and pray for you often, even though I don't communicate very well. Your sensitivity and questions make you a truly fine person, and I'm glad I know you. FYI :)