Monday, April 7, 2008

Triple X'ed

I think there is no other goup of people (and do i hate that it is infact a growing group) that vexes me more than my exes. All the women that I've loved or have loved me, in some way or another come back to bite me in the ass. I do not know if this is some kind of curse or if it is sipmly Karma. Andrea, the Bi that i helped through one break up, has in turn broken up with me.

I can't say i blame her. I've been acting like a complete basket case. I was not the cute picture of a boyfriend she had, I was stand offish and well generally a loner. In essence what I have become. When she asked if i could imagine my life without her, I replied i can't imagine my life with ANYBODY. She took that as I don't love her. A mistake but what can you say? She is so high on emotions that she doesn't understand how I could turn them off. Let's face it, It was a survial mechinism that became a way of life.

Of Course there is Lisa. It's almost a recurent theme. The things that I had gotten her in Iraq, and for her birthday kept staring at me. I had to send (some of) it off. I'm glad she liked the UT jersey that I sent, but in the end of the day, she is aaffraid to let go of a boyfriend that she doesn't love. It's a shame she went through the kind of childhood that she did. the fear of abandonment, and the lack of healthy relationships have left her with a nasty habbit to cling to things that are not good for her. I can only wonder why she won't confront this, but at the end of the day, we all have things that we're affraid to confront. I'm just sorry she hasn't learned more from the harsh lessons that she has so recently recieved. To have miscarried the baby, must have been hard.

I can not in my own cynical way, help but think that perhaps this was the best outcome. I think young life is the most important thing in the world, but if she kept going the way she was, is, that life would have had a lot of issues. I can not help but feel a softness in my heart, despite the glaring things I see before me. But it is empty, without future, and I have come to accept that.

Lastly there is Martha. My "high school sweetheart". Out of the blue i get an e-mail and a phone call from her. I can not even begin to explain what a can of worms that was. In twenty mins she sounded both proud of me, worried about me, and looking down on my life choices at the same time. It's amazing how the simple phrase "i thought you'd have a career" could smash your morale. She's married, working in a prision, and telling me "it's so amazing" to be married, yet she still thinks of me all the time.

I think the worst part of the whole conversation was how she was telling me i had to get out and do something else. It wasn't so much that she said it, it was more how she said it. I can't begin to explain right now. It left a bitter taste in my mouth. I am not sure why she said these things, but i can not deny their impact. Yet another Ex is happy, married and in a stable way.

Here i sit in the "empty room in the barraks" wanting more than anything for this solitude to end. It's liek a voice inside my head and my heart is screaming, pleading and praying, crying and genrally doing anything possible to be heard. It never reaches through to my almost passive exterior, but it is clear through my writting the sence of hurt betrayal and desperate longing that seems to consume my soul.

I swear if another Ex girlfriend tell me that "the one" will come along soon and i'll be madly in love with her yadda yadda, i'm going to shit a brick. It's all well and good to tell that to someone when your happy. It's like watching a tragity verson of "good luck chuck". All my Ex's have found love. All of them have seemed to find happyness, and when i look over my shoulder the ghosts of past love stare back at me mocking my lonley walk on this lonely road. Truly there is no speices as cruel as Woman.

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