Wednesday, April 23, 2008

So. . . what now?

I had to see the Divion Psychiatrist today, but i nearly didn't make it. She had moved her "office" up to CTMC on the Hill, and i played it off as "I forgot and went to the wrong place". In actuality I hadn't slept the night before. It was mostly due to this highly addictive game called black and white 2. It's kind of a cross between ages of empires and simcity, but in this you get to be a "god". It's actually wicked fun to be a "god" and send all the little people flying. Of course i was a good guy, but one of these days I'm going to be really really evil.

But the point is that The LTC said I might be looking at MedBoard. Now far be it for me to say, but if I'm going to get kicked out of the army for medical reasons I want it to be because I'm so completly FUBAR that there is no WAY i can possibly function in the army. I know that sounds crazy, but that's what it is. I actually don't know how I'd feel about it. Do I really want to get out? Sad fact is the Army is all I know and two combat tours later, it's all i can imagine.

And yet, I can not deny her claim that not only is the army not doing me any favors, but it is also causing me serious harm to keep doing what I am doing. I can understand that. I tried to pleade my case, that I just wanted the "band-aid" that will allow me to do my job and keep on going. After all there aren't that many people with experience that are willing to be line medics. Most, after their first tour are pretty much in the FTA mode.

I can not get over the thought of MedBoard. Spoken (around these parts) with a sligh hiss of dislike. The whole process can take as much as 18 months, and in the end I'll get out with not that much to my name but the junk in my room that i have no way to store, and a car I'll have no way to pay for. I suppose it could be a LOT worse, but i really don't know how. Something about the thought of giving up, of getting ofrced out cuz i couldn't hack it has me appalled.

I said as much to the LTC, and she kind of back tracked, and said something to the affect that it was the only logical step. The way she explained it, it made a lot of sensed, and yet there was a part of me that is trully appalled at the idea. I have this amazing duality about me. Part of me wants to "lay down the sword and take up the plow" and part of me would rather "die by the sword" I wonder if it is this way with all soldiers, or just the crazy brave or false stupid.

I'm not a "Brass Monkey" a "medal pirate" or anything like that. When people call me a hero I shrug and usually say that I am not, and yet there is something noble in this quest, this venture, that I can not deny. I ask myself, would that same sense of nobility follow me? I truly wonder, and I can not answer the question. Part of me is feeling the growing sense of . . . dare I say, destiny, upon me. That there will come a time where I will need to stand and take my place in history. i was watching a thing on the founding fathers, and in my vainity i thought to myself that truly I am not that dissimilar from them. Is that then what i should do?

I do not think I can Get out on such terms If I am supposed to explore this destiny of mine.

No comments: