Wednesday, June 25, 2008

For Good This Time?

So Erika goes to see her therapist today, and I kinda joke about how I get paranoid when people talk about me. Afterwards I ask her what she talks about, "mostly daddy issues" I tell her about my dad who is slipping into alcoholism, and not emotionally capable of hearing what I have to say. she goes on to say if he's willing to listen I should talk to him. I try to explain that he's not able, and then she gets into some sort of strange pissing match about who's dad is worse off.

Look this woman confuses the hell out of me. I said something offhand and that ticked her off so she took the "annoy" dial on full. she suggests all sorts of things that really hurt. 1). I bounce from woman to woman, which is true but not by choice 2). I wallow in self pity: self depreciation is how I get by, when I find myself in shitty situations, which is sadly far too often. I got so angry. I don't know why I got so angry, but I did. So I said a lot of things I'm going to regret fro a long time. I think she's blocked me on messenger, and she didn't respond to my text message so I think that's it.

And I have to wonder, why is it this bothers me? Every time we pick up and limp along then one of us says something that drives the other away, but I really do love her, and I know she loves me, so why is it she always wants to fight with me? Every time I try to keep it light its not light enough, and every time I try to talk about any type of issue, it's not taken seriously by her, and she won't talk about her issues with me. It sucks cuz I'm usually the stoic one. When I am in a light mood I say things off hand that are always taken the wrong way (by everyone) and when I'm serous i am often too serous for people, or (ironically) I'm not taken seriously.

I don't know the number of times that I have done that whole "out of the depths I cry out to thee". I've tried to do everything to find that "happy medium" but no matter what I do it only makes me a more restless soul. Time and time again I have tried so hard to be the man the world wants me to be, and in the end I am alone friendless and panting from the effort. It makes a Joe wish for that last battle.

So I lost my cool. Wasn't the first time and won't be the last. Do I regret it? Yes. But I suppose I won't get a chance to take it back. So what can I do? Move on? it seems so hard, but I guess I'll do what I'll have to do.

UPDATE: I talked (briefly) to Erika. The irony is that she is just as frustrated as I am. well that's just dandy. haha

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