Sunday, June 8, 2008

Getting Out and Getting On

yesterday I spent a lot of time hanging around. I went out to Manhattan, with no real destination in mind. On the way I got some sewing done for my assault pack (I now have a green CMB and my nametape on the back) and also got two PCs (Patrol Caps) sewn with rank. It's all a part of the slow build up to going back on the hill. Have to look like an actual soldeir ya know.

I have been asking around and apparently NO ONE had Class A's in my size! this is rediculous! I know I've gained weight, but the measuremnts actually go off the shoulders, and I really really really don't want to send for my old grody class A's that were issued to me in baisic. They're starting to show signs of their age. The fadding, startch stains etc, well you try going into a Board and impressing the CSM with Class A's that look like you got them out of the Bargin Bin! you'll be out of there so fast it'll make your head spin!

alas no luck. I even tried the Pawn shop. Of course once I got to the Pawn shop I was distracted by the Barret .50 cal. I thought it was just a mock-up but no said the man that's a real Barret, and amazingly it's leagel in Kansas. I tried all sorts of guns, from shotguns right up to AK-47 analoges, and M-4 look alikes. I even held a Springfeild Armory model 1911 (the pistol that was made famous in WWII) But I had to move on.

So after a breif talk about politics, and war in general (with a Vietnam vet) I gotmyself a subway sandwich, and rolled out to Manhattan proper. Again I was completly Aimless. I went to the mall got some books, and a pamphlet on Navy SEALs. Then went over to Best Buy to finally get the High Def AV cables for my PS3 (no joy looking for cables for my Xbox 360) and "the Patriot" on Blue-ray. Gonna see if there's much of a differance later. I've kinda started to buy into the whole Blue-ray craze.

Finally ending the day with a Movie. "You don't Mess with the Zohan" Adam Sandler's most recent flick about an Isreali supper agent that decides he's had enough of the killing and wants to cut hair. It was raunchy, in so many ways, and in the end the "lets all get along" message was a bit much, but it was really funny how they made fun of both the Isralies and Palestinians. But all in all, not the greatest movie around.

All of this was for one purpose. To get my mind off Erika. I don't know what I feel about that. I mean I was certainly willing to make the long trips down to see her, I just wanted to know where I stood. The whole moritorium on dating thing has thrown me for a loop. It just seems like another let down and if I weren't so dam used to it I'm sure it would hurt more. I really hate how quickly things go from hunkie dorie to shit on a shingle in no time flat.

I made it clear that it's her choice and she has to live with it. I suppose i came off harsher than I wanted to, but dammit I wanted her to feel bad about it! It's not wrong to want some sense of where things are going. I think I've been pretty fair so far, more than fair. I kept chaising after her long after most guys would have said "fuck it, it's not worth it". Somehow I get this feeling she is going to play the feild some more before the 2 years is up. I suppose I'm just seeing things others don't but I feel like an old man shaking his head at what the "dumb kids" are doing. you want something, you hold onto it, no push it away. A few weeks ago she was talking the big talk and now I'm cut loose and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. Always disapointment. I compared it to a situation like the one with Lisa, and she flipped at this. I said no the result (not the cause) is the same. I'm alone sittin in my room expected to beat my meat but still be there for her when she needs a friend.

I'm just so disapointed. It is like seeing something take shape and your eyes brighten and then that shape veers off course and you just shake your head knowing that eventually you'll be proven right, but not before it's far too late to do anything about it. She says give me two years. I don't have that much left in the army. To assume that I'd re-up for Riley on the off chance that things might work out 2 years from now is insane. Almost as insane as when i went to my retention NCO in Iraq to ask to Re-up for Lewis to be closer to Lisa. What a disaster that would have been. It's like watching the game winning touchdown slip through the reciever's fingers by inches. Or watching a new airframe take to the skies. . . only to come plumeting down on the edge of the runway. I realize I'm only 24, but I've seen enough of the world to feel so much older than that. But I suppose the old addage is true. "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink" I did everything I could think of to get her to come to the conclusion on her own, but she took another path, and now it will be truly impossible to resurect this relationship.

Oh and before anyone even THINKS about posting some trite "the right one is out there" or "have patients" or anything remotly like "when you stop looking that's when you find her" sentimental CRAP I realy don't want to hear it! I've had an earful and I am tired of hallow platatudes to asuage my saddness. I'll fucking live. I survived worse doubtless I'll survive worse again before its over.

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