Home for the Holliays

It is always good to return home. yea the mess never gets any better. But it's not just the crappy house that is constantly getting torn down while it's still standing. My dat the one man wrecking crew. Still all told, i am happy to be back. there's no carpet in my room cuz Atheana pissed on it so many times, the living room is a mess, mom and dad's bed is about to collaps, to tell the truth the house is a disaster area. But it is home. Driving up on the 5 from San Diego airport there were visual reminders of my past. the county i love so much, where i spent most of my life. On the way up i saw some of the roads i had taken in my life. To Del Mar, Rancho Santa Fe, and to MEPS. like rolling back the curtan on memories.

Who's on First?

(almost) empty room

to say that my room is empty is not quite accurate. I still have wuite a lot of stuff in my room. it is actually amazing to me that after all the boxes and foot lockers were removed my closet is STILL full. mostly though it's stuff i really do need. Ie clothes, uniforms, stuff like that
aside from wanting (more like needing) more time i really don't feel too much about this move. I can't help but be slightly jubulant.

Tommorow I'll be getting an ARCOM (Army Comedation Medal) i'll be in line I guess. I'm not the highest awarded dude around but still i'm starting on my third row. that actually surpasses my dad and he was an Officer. I guess that does seem kind of childish since the NDM (National Defence Medal), the GWOTSM (Global War on Terrorism Service Medal). and the army service ribbon (the much vaunted "gay pride" ribbon) are all kind of like hand outs when you finnish AIT. i did actually have to deploy to get the GWOTSM, but i also got the expeditionary medal (i havn't traded that one in for the ICM or Iraqi Campaign Medal, because i know i'll get an ICM sooner or later) Still it does make me feel some pride. Each one of those ribbons has a story behind them, and though each is just a tiny little ribbon, each of them has a peice of my life wrapped up in them.

Oh also important, the New Transformers movie trailer is FREAKIN SWEET Iknow i am showing my super nerd colors to say that but c'mon dude who didn't love Transformers. I mean anything turns into a robot. Cars, microscopes, guns, jets, trains, shuttles, EVEN BUGS. I loved the original (often refered to as "G1") but some of the follow on shows were great (though the Japanese ran with it a little too far in my opinion. they had all sorts of rediculious attachments, and things of that sort that kind of killed the show) I chalk this up to ANOTHER summer movie that i will miss and, of course have to see on boot leg. Who knows, I might try to get leave again in July.

Last but definatly not least is lisa. I feel kind of guilty. I fell asleep on her (again) when she really wanted to talk to me. I read her Blog, and to tell the truth i'm not sure how to approach the subject. I know the pain of the ones left behind is often as great if not greater than the ones that go out, but this has been a fact of life for as long as mankind has existed. I wish there was a way to ease her burden, like always i want to charge to the rescue, when there is no possible way to rescue her. But i also know she won't cheat on me. in her own words she's not even tempted to get a good "eye fuck" (on a side note this sounds really painful and if i didn't know what it means i'd probably not ask). I coul;d say the same myself. Of course if i am getting undressed with the eyes i'm usually oblivious to it. But i am human and i do notice attractive women, but it doesn't go beyond a single glance unless there's sticthes, or some deformity, my medical sense gets the better of me and then i can only see the injury/deformity.

I really don't know how to handel her fears, and of course it doesn't help all the memories are bubbling up to the surface as the deployment becomes very real. As this new one looms in the distance, i am remebering things i had completly forgotten. the Good, the terrible, and the boredom. I can't help but thell her. It just comes spilling out of me. I have told her about my nightmares, and my dreams. I don't know why i tell her. sometimes i think i shouldn't. But when she listen to my fears, that inside i am a monster waiting to be loosed, when i tell here about how in my nightmares i enjoy killing, she told me i wasn't evil. Something released in me, i was still afraid of my darkness, but i knew i could accept it.

Fear and hope are so tightly bound together with Lisa. there is so much hope for the future. There is fear of where that future might lead me. Will i return to her battered and broken. A Shell of what i was? i couldn't live with myself if I dragged Lisa down. If the worst should happen? What then. She deserves a long and loving life. I will give her all i can.

Like a shot of morphine it was NEARLY painless

Ok so my freaking out was apparently COMPLETLY unwarented. i mena i am nearly clear of post, all i have to do is one tiny thing at the Koplend Center, my HHG is getting picked up tommorow, and i can breathe a sigh of relief. I guess with a little luck the last sections will be a breeze. Here's hoping.

There are so many things I want to do, for my memories. Get a video tour of the ER, get a picture next to that big Johnson City sign (maybe even Hope in the way up) oh Johnson city "home of Lyndon B. Lohnson" and Hope Ak "birthplace of Pres Clinton" a good pic of III Corps, maybe a piucture of every X-mas tree in sight, lots of pics of the Garzas, start the first anual Hood Nude marathon, though admiditly with some of the military wives that's not a good idea. actually it's a sickening idea.

I am almost gone!!! i don't know how life could be better. It's like a dream i don't really feel like i'm leaving Ft Hood, i can't belive i have such a wonderful girlfriend, and i can't belive how much she loves me. It is all so good. If this is a dream i never want to wake up.

The Crazieness of Life and clearing.

I will start off by saying i am a night owl. I have been ever since i got to Ft Hood. The problem that comes from this is that there is this whole sleeping in thing. I slept till 1100. I had my alarm set for 1000 but i just couldn't bring myself to get my lazy ass out of bed. That will prbably change. Anyway i thought i could just go to the ER print up a DA 137-1 (or something like that) and be on my way. No such luck.

And the best part of all while i'm messing around with the shift leader computer they had a CPR in progress 5 feet to my 3 oclock. That's the seccond time that that's happened to me. First time was a baby, and after that i just kinda went to EMT class. It makes me wonder, when death is nothing more than a passingf currosity, what does that say to me. I've had friends die while i was here, and i felt . . . nothing. As a defense mechanism i have detached myself. I wade in death as people waded into tide pools in Hawaii. Lisa makes me feel alive, so i guess there's hope after all.

After that i tried to run over to PAC office to get my unit clearing papers. Of course they left for lunch. It was 1115, i don't remember leaving for lunch till 1130 but i'm not going to gripe about these POGs. I had to go home and wait. It was not easy. I simply sat there trying HARD not to fall asleep. After eating lunch at 1230, and wolfing it all down (heart burn anyone) i rushed over there and of course it took too much time. I was sitting there eying my watch, panicing because i had to pick up my post clearing papers at 1315. I finally did get there, and again i was still panicing because i had baisically 15 mins before the finance breifing.

Funny thing i got there with plenty of time to spare. It was a huge load off my back. After that i spent the rest of the day clearing. It was somewhat easy, but not as easy as i would have liked. there's all these sections you have to go to that have prerequisites, and they are only open from certen hours (usually at the same time). Here's what I don't get. If they're in the office ALL FREAKING DAY, WHY CAN'T THEY JUST TAKE YOU AT ANY TIME?!? Well to make a long story short i got a lot more done than i thought i would. Still there are a lot of things i have to wonder if they're optional. I mean i pretty much had today tommorow, and thursday to clear. HHG pickup is 0800-1800 which pretty much locks me down. WTF! As you can no doubt tell it makes life interesting. GWell LIsa is still the highlight of my day, so I can't complain TOO much

A little WAHOO, and a bunch of YIPPIE AYE KI AYS

Good news, Pretty much my only reader (Lisa) is now officially my GF. Of course the "official" position and definition of what people are always confises me, and it's really like a bad episode of Friends. The point is, well i knew it would happen. it was kind of a certainty in my mind, but it wasn't so in Lisa's. Her greatest worry is (well understandable) that she will cheat on me, or in some way screw it up. I can see why she is worried. I can't help but believe in her, even when she doesn't have faith in herself.

Last night we took a little time to poke fun. Well the thing is that hind sight is 20/20. I saw things one way she saw things another. I was poking fun at her time in AZ and she poked fun at the night i was drunk and was obsessing about um someone. lol. Well there were a few great needled back and forth. lots of fun lol. I was happy none the less. it was the first time i've actually talked to lisa since she left AZ.

so what does this mean? well really it doesn't change anything right now. I mean it's not like i can run over there tommorow, hang out for a few mins, spread some smooches, and drive back. Nope not gonna be that easy. I pretty much have to wait till the 26th, when i fly back, and i have to drive out. great stuff.

This comming week is going to be rough. I mean i baisically have to clear post (and the hospital) in about three working days. I hate the fact that this is all last minuet. I mean i still havn't worked it all out, and i'm going to have to run form on point to another all day long. Fortunatly CIF will be easy. For the most part i havn't left too much of a foot print in this post. Hopefully (for the most part) i'll just show up, be like "hi i'm leaving" get my stamp and leave. Yea like that'll ever happen.

MasCal, and the Post Clearing papers

The day started off, actually at around 2:45 yesterday i showed up for work, for a 2 shift (1445-2315), and i had done a 3 shift the night before (2245-0715) SFC Garcia saw how tired i was and told me to go home and come back for a 3 shift. so I went home, went to sleep (it really does make a difference a few hours sleep). Of course I tried not to work. I was shaming HARDCORE. It was the last shift, and I was not trying to do ANYTHING. I was having a long debate with SPC Wenzel about Zombie movies. finally a dork as big as I am.

I had to stay up. I had a Breifing at 0945, the briefing you have to get before you pick up your post clearing papers. The problem is that at about 0800 they called me in for a MasCal excersize. Last time it took many hours to be done (and i hurt my foot) This time they just wanted me to pull security. Funny thing, I'd already told everybody that would listen that i had to go to this breifing. i told them 0900. good thing too, they kept me till 0845 gaurding a door. I told EVERYBODY that would listen i really HAD to go. but sadly it was all in vain. in the end their dependance on me was a really BAD thing as it shortchanged one of the treatment teams out of a medic. Of course if they had done what they had said they were going to do (release me as soon as i got in) then it would have been alright.

Technically i should have gone to this briefing a couple of days ago. But to tell the truth i'd either slept through it, or wasn't interested. what can i say i'm human. to make a long story short i am baisically hosed by my need to sleep. Damm Ft Hood doesn't make clearing easy. Schofield was WAY easier. I Picked up my pictures and all, they look good. and after that i went to sleep that pretty much wraps up the day.

Foot in Mouth Disease

I have to do a quick blurb about this. I'm not normally an asshole, but on occasion the things i say if taken out of context can be taken the WRONG way. I mean REALLY wrong. So today i did one of my ever infamous insert foot into mouth moments and commented that Lisa could probably have a loud and very obnoxious fart, and guys would love her for it. I can't really help it. I mean after all it seems like every guy on the face of the planet likes lisa, so I was being a smart ass. I've been known to be worse. . .

Of course the worst part is that I often say things that i don't mean or talk about things that hurt other people. Last night i let it slip that i was in a situation where i'd have gotten shot if i didn't eat Iraqi food. well it was an exaguration but not by much. that sheik was a real shifty dude. the problem: the woman's husband is in Iraq right now. I swear to God i really hate this about myself .

AMEDD Ball

A lot of people don't like Balls. The formal kind or testicles. I personally like my own testicles, but i'm sick of having to look at other people's testicles. But that's COMPLETLY beside the point. I went to the AMEDD (Army MEDical Department) formal holiday ball. I have to admit it's nice to get together. I got in my dress Greens (class A's with a white collared shirt and a bow tie) and I realized whoever designed that damm thing never had to do anything in it. it may look good, but the damm thing is a pain in the but to wear. be that as it may it was still fun. Everyone got all dressed up (I was FLOORED at how well Hansen and Jodi shined up and that Hansen is pregnant)

I saw Ch Luckie, Dawn, Carrol, Amanda, the two NCOs i did CQ with (i have to admit they both shined up REALLY well. I keep saying that. Formal gowns have a way of making me bable like a prepubesant) I also saw Major Richter (my commander in Iraq ah good ol Charlie) and of cours SFC Garcia, SGT Reeser, and a few other people. I had a hard time eating, again do to the Class A's coat. I also had a hard time drinking the beer Major Richter bought me.

I have to mention the 12 days of AMEDD. It's baisically the 12 Days of Christmas with an AMEDD twist. I had 12 deadlined Hummers. Of course the problem is that around five there was a train wreck of sorts. so it was funny to hear 4 tables of people shouting things at different times. as it was i only got 4 docs in surgery and a trip to the SRP. It was a train wreck to say the least. It was funny though. I laughed my ass off.

The night ended with the Brass getting inducted into MOrder of merit for military medicne (or something like that) of course it was all COL LTC and SGM's. no chance in hell that I'd get into it unless I were like a really big wig. I hate it when they parade around the brass and be like "we did such a good job in all our years of service" now don't get me wrong i'd love one of those merit thingies (but you can only wear it at balls so what is the point, kinda like Audie Murphy)

After that was the dancing, but i wasn't fool enough to stick around for that. i stayed long enough to see Dinese Ah Young (i was on the sidelines with her husband that was holding all the stuff ie purse) and Daown Whippo, Amanda Carrol and a few others do the electric slide. I wasn't fool enough to join them. But still it was worth a laugh. and that really ended the night for me.

Big Red One

You'll notice the big red one featured in this video. that's where i'm headed and i've got to tell you last time i was under them it was a disaster. OH well.





No Mission too dificult
No Sacrafice too great
Duty First

Sick as a Dog

That's right. I am sick as a dog, yesterday I was ordered to go into the ER by SFC Garcia. I went in, signed in at the front desk, got my vitals taken, the usual bit (i must say though that the preferncial treatment we give our own does come in handy). I was told to wait by the shiftleader computer til a room opened up. I didn't complain, they were bedlocked, and there was no need for me to go to bed one. I remember leaning foward and being kind of out of it, and then i sat back to catch my breath.

What happened, was that Dinese, our social worker came by, and saw I was sitting there, with my hat on and a mask on. I was really out of it, and she also noticed I was sweating like a pig. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but they got me out of my jacket and buddy walked me to bed 9. Needless to say I was pretty out of it. I was only really able to whisper, and my O2 sats were in the 94/95% range. not to bad but not good either. Usually a person on room air will sat 97-100% your in deep shit if you hit 90% and if you hit 50% your goose is cooked.

I don't know how long i was there last night, i can't even remember all the treatments they gave me. I will say this though. HAND IV'S FREAKING HURT!!! I do know that the albuteral mist sure helped. Tastes kind of funny though. Oh and the nasula canula will really dry out your sinuses.

This morning I went to get re-evaluated, and I was put on quarters (again) for 24 hours. I am feeling better, not the bed ridden mess I was the last time I had quaters (Saturday). How grand it is that i now hve the day for myself. What will i do? I'll tell you. Nothing. Maybe do laundry but i'm not trying to go somewhere and get seen goofing off.

The Alien in My Chest

Good God almighty, i am sick as a dog. I am "walking wounded", so it's not severe enough to sign in to the ER again, but it is bad enough that i am getting winded if I walk more than a couple of steps. Actually I'm slightly winded in a resting position. It is not a good thing. I can't find the meds I took home with me last night. Not cool.

The problem is I feel like i've got one of those nice little chest busters from Alien sigging inside my chest. I hope i don't ACTUALLY have one of those but you never know. of course that'd mean i'm in for a horrible death. but hey i'm a soldier, that's one of the risks.

It's nice to know that even though I think I sound like a doped up hypoconcdriac Lisa is still behind me. Serously that woman gives me reasons to smile when shit hits the fan. Of course i havn't talked to her as much as i would have liked in the past few days. not much could be done about that. I was bed ridden and barely able to move on the second, and the third well she was busy. I'm happy for the tid bits i do get.

Good news, sort of, Sam wrote a polite nastygram last night. It's good that SOMEONE finally is saying something about the poor treatment the Medics are recieving at the hands of the civillian nurses. I am half tempted to do the same thing when i go to work next time. I've been holding back a tirade since (WEST FREAKING POINT!!!) april, which was exacerbated by all the idiocy I went through trying to get to a line unit (1ST CAV ANYONE!?!) and the hoops i went through to finally land with a bitch deal for re-enlistment. It will be hard not to be scathing.

Get Down With the Sickness

It started off as a mild headache, then progessed rapidly on to searing pain and dizzyness. It ended up with me siging in at the ER (good thing i work there, i got seen pretty quickly). I got some pretty good drugs, and that held me over. It was really intresting trying to walk home. Morphine makes the world a weird place.

Yesterday was nothing but bed rest. It was hard to roll over and go back to sleep again and again and again, but then again (i need to stop saying again so much) it was HARDER to get out of bed and do, well, anything.

This morning I woke up, *mostly* headache free but now i've got what feels like a bruise on my hip and joint pain in my elbows. Also i have a lot of coughting, that is sometimes productive. To top it all off i have the awful taste of vomit in my mouth that neither brushing nor mouthwash has been able to get rid of. It is making me feel like crap. My stomach is already feeling bad enough.

And sadly, my quarters is up. So it's in to work for me tonight. I really don't want to go into work, especially since I am JUST starting to recover to the point that i can actually be ambulitory to more than just my bathroom.

Driving Over the Edge.

Something that truly gets me crazy is the constant change of schedule. The Er is never certain, but it is important to have at least SOME regularity to your life. I am sick of getting called into work on "emergency" shifts because the CNAs were too lazy to show up (though to be fair Mrs Sanchez isn't among those) I am tired of "shit rolling down hill" and I always catch the worst of it. Too bad I haven't mastered the art of the "Sham Shield".

It also gets me depressed that any sense of a life is completely subservient to my department. It is one thing to work somewhere, where OCCASIONALLY they have emergencies and call you in, and you have to work odd hours. But this ER is always on the verge of collapse. It truly pains me that I am the one that has to save the day. I mean don't get me wrong I do it out of habit, but i don't get treated like crap for doing it.

Of course the Financial situation is going to drive me over the edge. I can not believe I spent over $1000 on just pictures. I suppose it is best for the people i can't be with to have visual reminders of me. Of course it's also excessively vain. Well I hope people like them.

I am going Nuts. I am going crazy because of this place. I tell everyone (that will listen) that this was the worst year of my life (including the one i spent in Iraq). The Light at the end of the tunnel is the PCS to Ft Riley. The light that keeps me from going Completly postal. Not so much a shooting rampage, more like pistol whipping the more annoying people. Ernie would be first, and maybe a few of the pansy people that are always trying to get out of stuff.

Looking Foward

I can not help a certain amount of entheuasiam in the future. Soon i will see Lisa, i will no longer be asigned to CRDAMC, and something New comes. I will be in a real unit again, i will be with soldiers again, and maybe I will find what I am looking for. Ultimatly Warr is upon me again. I feel the trepidation i felt before.

CNN is not even close to accureate, but it does give a genral (if negative) picture. What i know is that soldiers aren't the targets as much any more. It is a fight between iraqis. Often soldiers get caught in the middle. It is a Blood Bath. It is a war. And thus I have the fight I joined for.

I called up to Ft Riley. They told me there was a high likelyhood i'd end um in the avaition brigade, and may not deploy until later next year. It's crap like that that pisses me off. DA would only give me Ft Riley, and now Ft Riley's units are deploying and i'll arrive too late to actually be apart of the train up. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!!! I am really starting to get sick of the army not having a clue what it's doing with me and giving me inaccurate information. All i can do is pray i NEVER end up in a MEDDAC/MEDCEN EVER again.

I still have to play the part of the dutiful soldier. I have not told mom and dad that i have reenlisted, and i have not told them the lengths i've been going to to deploy. It's almost like God is keeping me out of the fight. Be that as it may, i am going to try to go with the line anyway. I feel that it is my duty to try (however hardly) to be the line medic i joined to be. It feels like the last 4 years (almost) would have been a waste if not for that.

Where does this leave lisa and myself? Seeing as the Army is deep in a war, and everyone can expect to get deployed multiple times, it is hard to see the future. Especially as these are combat deployments. I don't want Lisa to get hurt, but at the same time, I am not impurvious to injury. it makes me wonder. will people abandon me if i am injured. If i am a horrible figgure will people scorn my existance?

The future is unknown. If it were i suppose life would be incredibly boring. But ultimatly one must face the future with their head held high. Grip tightly their wepons, and sheilds and charge into the fray. Like King Leonidas, marching to certain doom at Thermopylae, the differance is how you face the fight. Do you face it like a mouse and try to hide, or like a lion, and roar to let everyone know of your passing through this world?

Vodoo child

25th ID Voodoo

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the Dork and Boredom

No matter what i do, i am a dork to most all women. Many years i fought this. Now, though i embrace the dork side. LOL. Yea and a nerd too. Did i mention that? lol. Well last night we were slammed, as usuall it was hell on earth until about 0300. didn't do me too much good. i was so tired from the paper work i had to do that i was practically walking into walls. never a good sign.

but after three, well Hinchee was bored, and so was I so from about 0530 on we were playing Table football. Then we had to actually do work and we played catch with the foam tape we use for foleys. Seriously i think Hinchee is going to be miserable without a fellow dork to keep him company.

I find that when i am bored, and i am with the right sort of people i get awfully mischevious. In fact i can be easily amused. It is not nessisarily a bad thing. I suppose my "love of life" is something that is attractive to people around me. hell what can i say.

Army Strong

Here's to the US ARMY.

The Last Pound of Flesh

Darnell has always been good at exacting it's pound of flesh. I have often talked to many soldiers that have been at the mercy of this hospital that is very inconciderate of the people that work for it. To be fair a certain amoutn of beuracracy is nessisary, however Darnell always takes it one step furthere. Shuffling patients lik cards, I have talked to people who are close to their death beds saying they were offered an appointment three weeks out. Working here i espect no less. It is no surprise i never trusted these people with my medical records.

Today i had to get my PCS leave signed. the down side is that i have duty 25 Dec. That's right i have duty on X-mas day. Well obviously i can't pull duty and take leave at the same time (seeing as i plan on being home at that point). I got duty section (reluctanty) to sigh it. SGM Torres didn't want to do that though. Of course there's always the pickle of hey who's going to pull this duty, we don't want to screw Joe Snuffy. but then that means i'm screwed. The end result SFC Garcia is pulling Duty Driver on the 25th. That is like three grades below him, and that's a REAL big deal.

Of course after all that noise i had to retype the whole damm thing, and re submit it to 1SG. I've finally gotten it all approved so now what do I do? nothing. Wait for Orders, because without orders i can't clear. Baisically i have to do the crazy "run around like a crazy man" and clear at super speed (no doubt working the whole time). Best part, and this is just salt on the wound. I don't think i'm getting a PCS award. Would have been nice to get an ARCOM but well not enough time.

A little Photoshop Goes a Long Way.

I just got back from the Mall, not really christmas shopping. More on a whim than anything else I went in to get shoes. I had my waterproof shoes on, and I was sweating like a deer in hunting season. I got a nice pair of shoes that ware fare more comfortable (or maybe it was juts the insoles). and i stopped by to say hello to Ann. While there i happened to get cornered by a sales person at Glamor shots. I had been eyeballing them for a long time. Professional photographers and such.

Well on thursday I'm going to get my photos taken. I'm planning on one shot (maybe two) in civvies, Two in ACUs (one with scrub top and stethascope) the rest will be in Class A's. I plan on getting might a few wallets, a few that can be framed, and probably a CD. Of course I will be getting Christmas Cards. It's the least I can do (send out x-mas cards). I'm already streched out for X-mas gifts and i still have to get something for mom and dad. Of course this will go to Grandma and Grandpa, they'd love it (they've never taken down the photos of me in that STUPID safari outfit. Hell i think they still had my baby pictures up when last i was there. It does show a natural progression. It might be worth a look.

I can not deny a certain amount of vainity in this matter. Of course i want to look good. the fact that my latest photo on Hot or Not is sitting at 8.9 is not only flattering (and bewildering) but it definatly boosted my ego WAY too much. i think any more stroking of my ego and my head might explode. Still I want something people (Lisa especially) can take with them. Something to remember me by.

Wish you were here

I don't often Plagiarize, but this is a great Pink Floyd song.

So, So you think you can tell,
Heaven from hell,
Blue skies from pain,
can you tell a green Field,
From a cold steel rail,
a smile from a vale,
do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade,
your heroes for ghosts,
Hot ashes for trees,
hot air for a cool cold breeze,
cold comfort for chains,
did you exchange,
a walk on part in a wall,
for a leading role in a cage.


How I wish, How i wish you were here,
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground
what have we found, same old fears,
Wish you here here.


Like i said not my stuff. But i like it. It says a lot about my situations. and never seems not relevant.

A Warm Bed, and a Soft Pillow

Sleep. It's a vital function. It is where we allow our dreams to take flight, and it is also where we recharge after a long day. Often sleep is the only rest bit we get from our troubled careworn lives. Sleep is a beautiful thing. Often enough Soldiers go without. I personally have been going with out today. It was because of a call from Jodi at 830, and my dad at noon. You'd think after Twiss people would have learned it REALLY pisses me off when you fuck with my circadian rhythm. Of course Twiss was an obsessive, stalker, so i guess that's not a good example.

Still it's not enough to have a soft bed/pillow (something i will really miss when i leave). It is not enough to have a bed. You have to have something to look foward to when you wake up. You have to look foward to something when you go to sleep. Empty beds are not always welcoming. Ultimatly you have to have to have someone to sleep with. It's not just sex (though that can be important), it's having a warm body next to you, and knowing that that warmth will be there for you. Whether you are Male or female, and that other person is female or male.

When you are a child it is enough to simply know that the house is warm, and that you have love if you need it. when you become an adult, that warmth needs to be more personal. Even if the long married do it only out of habbit, it is still important to us all. Sleep is not for the weak. it is for everyone. only a few people know how to truly apriciate it. So when you go to sleep, in those tender moments, think of that which is safe and secure, the loyalties you need never question, and the love you need never ask for.

Christmas Madness

It has often been said, and indeed in some cases proven, that the message of Christmas has been lost on the masses. Right after Thanksgiving, hoards of people, more ravenous than the Huns, descends upon the multitude of Malls, and various consumer areas. The fights are fierce, and the haul is good. But in all of this, there is a message that is long forgotten. A message of desperation, and often of small miracles and kindness. It is the Spirit of Christmas that has often been written about, and which occasionally comes out, but, sadly more often than not is forgotten in the stampede to get gifts of various value for loved ones.

What I find most interesting, despite obvious money concerns, and the need to save, I, too have been taken in by this craze. The need to get gifts for important people (namely Lisa, my family, Gil and his family, and a few other notable mentions). Amazing. My credit card bill for the month is going to be outrageous.

How to show those you care, that you care, is often the greatest worry. If you get them a gift they don't like, then you have failed. It is a pressure that often breaks the hardiest of shoppers. A novice like myself, well you know, it is built into the society, and thus, i am a slave to the madness like everyone else. It seems, that this part of the year is what everyone looks forward to.

Strangely enough it appears that Christmas did not actually happen on 25th of December. The early church had made Christmas on the same day as a pagan holiday, as a way of(successfully) overshadowing that holiday. It is also lost that Easter is far more important in implication. I find it ionic that even atheists, and many non christian celebrate the "holidays". I also find it ironic the battle to say "Merry Christmas". It is sad that in their need to be recognized the liberal left seek to unravel the very fabric of our society. I would like to mention here that i have a live and let live philosophy. I don't belive in trying to subvert another's beliefs to make my own dominat. Often the fight for equality, goes farther than intended. Often it turns to the fight for dominace. which is why i often don't trust people fighting for equality. But that is beside the point.

It Just Goes to Show

I am not sure why, but this far every time i leave a place it gets ten times better. When i was leaving Hawaii they were sending everyone to Air Assault, and EFMB, as well as EMT-I. Now that I am leaving the ER at Darnell, they decided to revamp the trauma standards. Now the Medic will do all the things that they love to do. assist with chest tubes, central lines, hell pretty much whatever they want to do. Docs will actually do it, but the medics will have a larger hand in it. Now as it stands a medic will average (minus full arrest) about 10-15 mins on a trauma. Up until the log roll is over and the "fast exam" is complete. The New system, the medic might well be the LAST to leave.

of course fot a guy like me that loves trauma (and makes stress my bitch) this is the golden carrot. I have often been disgruntled at how under utilized i have been. two years ago (and probably in 6 months time) I was making life and death decisions. Now I am stuck stocking linen and a whole host of other menial tasks (LAB RUNS!!!). My angst stems greatly from the fact that I look around, and see people who are lazy, or don't give a damm, and I'm sitting twiddling my thumbs like the dutiful little soldier boy. It can get on a person's nerves quickly.

I am not nearly as eager to move to my new unit as i thought i would be. Oh to go to the line yes (God Almighty if they try to put me in an FSB again i will flip a bitch), but i've just got around to liking Ft. Hood. Oh it's full of POGs, and shitbags, yes, but the area ain't half bad (aside from the crime rate, which is second only to Houston). What's more, i wish i could be around when Lisa graduates BCT and AIT.

Another thing that is bothering me, I talked to SSG Garza today. You'd think a guy that has 16 years invested would stomach the last 4 and retire, but he is in a pickle. He is constantly getting crappy assignments, and he is constantly getting deployed (OK well three total, Kosovo once, and Iraq twice). He is willing to waste those years and get out. I mean he really is over the hump, and it wouldn't be that far of a stretch to get a second retirement. But he's going to get out. Made me wonder why i do it myself. I will have 4 years come 29 Jan. All i have to show for it is a load of junk, and a chip on my shoulder. Perhaps the confidence I've gained is payment enough, but now, as the times get darker, i ask myself, again why do I do this?

Doubt is a part of the Soldier's life. and sadly there is more than enough doubt to go around. I doubt myself, i doubt the mission, and often times i really doubt the Army as a whole. It has made me question my most basic beliefs. I once believed Marriages were sacred. Now I truly wonder. Being married, for some, is almost an invitation to be promiscuous. I used to believe once that men and women could be faithful to each other. Now I see otherwise. I used to think I could be around civilians, now, when I am around them I scorn their ways. I used to be able to date civilian women, now i get a headache trying to explain anything to anybody that isin't intimately familiar with the military. And, finally, perhaps most tragically i've started to lose my faith in man. Some of the things I've seen, the cruelty, and the utter disregard for their fellow, often makes me wonder about the species as a whole.

I do not want to say, however that i have not gained a certain measure of confidence in myself. I am surer now, of who i am, and what i am capable of. perhaps not so much physically anymore, but of what i can push myself through. I Used to hold my head down, and look at the ground, and while i still do that i often hold my head high. I have done things that i can be proud of (or so everyone tells me). It just goes to show, there's always good lobbed in with the bad, and the grass usually isn't greener on the other side of the fence till you cross over the fence.

Distant Shores

I look to the horizon. the future. I feel like an explorer of old, deep in uncharted waters. My future is my own, and without the gift of prescience, I can not tell what is ahead. Like Christopher Columbus, i have a destination in mind. A place i want to be. A time i want to be. The truth is, that i have not uttered a word to Cassie since Lisa left, and i find that no matter where my path takes me i want to have time with Lisa. A moment, a month, a year.

I am not Cassinova, or Rico Swavee. I'm just Michael (actually I like Michael a lot cuz he's the angel that kicked lucifer's ass out of heaven). I often worry that I'll screw it up. This my mind, often my greatest asset (see trauma) becomes my worst enemy. My confidance goes to zilch, and i seccond guess myself. Thus, untill I "warm up" I have the apperance of being awfully shy. Of course my myriad fo terrible encounters, and getting cheated on more times than player at a vegas casino, tend to leave me feeling high and dry.

I find it odd. I can write poetry that makes women swoon, and believe me sometimes I do that on purpose. I let them find it. i let them see it. it's sneakey, almost never works, but hey, it does work. lol. i can express so many beautiful things when i write poetry but come time for talking, or showing it, and i suck. I did have a little day dream last night. I thoguht about lisa, but what i thought (because she reads this blog) will remain my little secret.

Somewhere, on distant shores, lies lisa, waiting for me (i hope) and somehow that makes me feel better. Like no matter what i do, she'll understand. I guess because i accepted her, she accepts me. Some day i'll make sense of it all, but for right now i'm going to sleep

Turkey, Ham and a load of Bull.

Some people call it Turkey day. Some people look forward to it solely for the sales that come the next day. For some it's a footnote for the ramp up to Christmas. The traditions of gathering the family together and having large meals, and even the foods that are eaten have been so ground into our culture that even in the army, it is one of the few occasions that the food doesn't taste like reprocessed partially deflated beef fatty tissue, or canned beans that somehow survived since Korea.

It is a time of family. It is a time where the whole family gathers from whatever divergent parts of the country they are from and converges on the house hold of the patriarch (or matriarch) usually the grand parent's house. there three generations gather give thanks, catch up and for a little bit, either pretend not to hate each other (and hold grudges from childhood) or truly appreciate each others company. Whatever the case it is not a time ANYONE wants to spend alone or heaven forbid, working.

As with last year, I not only worked, but I also went to eat at SSG Garza's place. Ann, as always threatened to get violent if everyone didn't have 7ths and 8ths. it was a feast to behold. Avery, and two of his friends played Halo against Gil and I. It was a hoot. i'd kill the two kids and they'd ask why they got shot by the other (i don't think they figured out it was me killing them the whole time) or, what's even funnier, they'd run (not really in circles, more like a figure 8, randomly shooting, and more often than not hitting each other). I laughed so hard, and for the first time i actually beat Avery (i know getting beat down by a 12 year old is pathetic, but c'mon it's Halo!). In this place, where i have no family and few friends, it is always great to get together. The army has become my family. We are always missing our families, that's why many times we form close bonds that last a life time.

It is a time of family. It is a time of togetherness, and, unfortunately for those poor souls in the army, it is also a time of tremendous idiocy. While most everyone is off on a 4 day weekend, certain cervices, namely the ER remain open. I have never been able to understand why there are always so many traumas come holiday time. Last year it was folks that had sliced their wrists open cutting turkey, and gunshot wounds. This year it was stabbings. two to be exact. I find myself wondering, when we are suppose to be getting closer, why are we always getting more injuries, and hatred?

what i do know, is that when the feast is over, and we have all waddled off to bed, the dreams we dream after our chaotic get together, are often the best and most peaceful. I am so much more content when i am with people that are close like family. We live in a world that is so diverse, and multi-faceted. it is nice, once in a while to get together and have familiar jaunts into memory lane, have great conversations of happy times, and for a few moments forget the cares of the world.

War and Rememberance

I face a deployment again. It is something that i wanted, and yet, as i stand at the precapise, i find myself hesitant. As must usually be the case when the time comes to match actions to words. I am sorry that it now comes at a point that i find i do not want to leave. I think back on my buddies from ambulance.

I miss them, and i think back to the trials we faced. I think about Eggersdourf (fourth from left) my partner. He was my battle buddy, and he is out there now. I ask myself, here, safe, how can i complain? I can at least see Lisa. He can not see his son, and he is in a crappy situation. I can not begin to explain my shame. I complain about trivial things, and my partner is out there. 2-27 is getting fucked up.

I can not begin to explain the joy i feel, knowing that lisa is contemplating a relationship. The problem, of course is that, even in the best of circumstances will be a long distance relationship. She is leaving for BCT and i am leaving for War. Yet, despite it all, I am still hopeful.

Save the world, or save yourself.

Choice: It comes to choice. Always there is a choice. there are very few moments in life where there is truly no choice at all. We build up barriers through our experiences. One cation can not be taken, because it is immoral, or another action can not be taken because it is far to difficult. There are even times where lack of insight is the number one factor in the lack of choices available. Be that as it may there is always a choice.

Look within: To live for yourself, to be selfish, at times has it's reward. There are very few that can not see at least some benefit in thinking about themselves. Your natural instinct will always be to save yourself. You can avoid danger, you can sidestep terror, but you can never get away from the simple fact that one is not stronger than many. If you live a selfish life you will be alone. While benefits may exist for a moment, they are often short lived, and you may not receive the kindness all humans come to expect.

Look Outward: To live for others, to be selfless, is often times thankless. there are always people out there that are truly selfless. they will drop everything to help others. It is not always necessary to rush into a burning building. Simply giving up some of your time can help. these are often our "heroes", and yet, in the end their lives can be just as empty as the selfish. Often the rewards are long lasting and you can always tell a selfless person by the tinniest vestiges of a smile. a hint of "i made a difference" painted on their faces. These people are often quick to laugh, and live for the moment. In the end the love they showed to others returns.

Exapmle: To look at modern day soldiers in the US Army, you see both sides. Often times there are people that will "blue falcon" (buddy fuck, although ironically enough the Air Force mascot) their battle buddies, for no apparent reason. And then you see the "heroes" who give selflessly and ask for nothing. As an unspoken "rule" it is expected that the man on the right and left would do the same damm thing. Modesty is a common virtue. A soldier will often say, "it was no big deal these other guys had it far worse than I". It is this facet that the public is so enamored with right now. Despite an unpopular war, despite the constant grind that often times amazes civilians, we keep on rucking.

Before each person lies a choice. Save the world or save yourself. You can always take the easy out. you can always get away from the torment you suffer. But in the end you must ask what have you truly accomplished? this is a question we must pose to ourselves, upon taking each action. What will I accomplish? The Hows are not always clear. Nor are the Why's. But simply asking what affect our actions will have often times will clear the confusion we face daily. My question i always ask myself, is always "is this right?" I can not stand the aberrant and immoral actions of many of the popular people in the world today.

The Battles of Friendship

It can be said, and perhaps rightly so that the battles between friends are often the hardest fought, and often the most bitter. A perfect example is Laertes and Hamlet. Once Best of friends, turned bitter enemies by the King's scheming. Thus it is with Lisa and Cassie. One betrayal leads to another. Acusation leads to counter acusation and I, being friend to both, am caught in the middle.

The terrible part is that Lisa is now happy. Her situation has done a 180. She is in a house, and she has space. She is perhaps even more alone than before. As before, it is far more important to I am happy that she is doing better, and yet the manner in which her situation has changed does distress me. Call it being a consumate Boy Scout (Eagle Scout actually.) But I am obsessed with doing the right thing always. I am finding out little tid bits about Cassie and the terrible situation Lisa was in.

On the other side, Cassie, despite whatever can be said about her is probably in a desperate situation. It is hard to be high and lofty when people suffer. my first inclination is to take a small amount of that retention bonus and go save Cassie from her situation. I offered to do just that. I am not trying to get reward. in fact i am terrible. when i have money i can't give it away fast enough. Even when i do something for myself I often do things on the side for others.

Ultimatly whatever happens I doubt it will directly affect me. As much as i have been involved in the pas couple of days, I am removed from the situation geographically. If not, i would probably be far more involved. Where do my Loyalties lie? Women are exceptionally good at complicationg matters.

Anger, Love and Descisions.

This, is Lisa.

So here's the skinny. She was staying with Cassy, and was absolutly miserable. I had never heard her cry before she got there. Well today she went to work, and now sits at a bus station waiting a trip to her sister's house in El Paso. Her parrents baisically said that if she didn't take this last chance to get out they wouldn't save her if it all went to hell. So naturally she took the out, as most people would. Her greatest worry is not that Cassy will hate her, but rather that i will hate her, and think she's a bad person. She needs, desperatly now to know that i don't think she's a bad person. Problem is the Bad people that i have meet have been so obviously evil that good and bad often take on larger scales

Unfortunatly, this leaves Cassy in a bind because she has no way to pay the rent, and her family has stated they WON'T take her back in, because she chose Lisa over them. She has a small son, and no job, with a moutain of debts. So the question remains, what to do?

It's almos plainly obvious to an outsider this is a case of he says she says (only they're both she's) . I can not take sides. Even though i am mor favorable to lisa, The simple fact remains that I am caught in the middle. I have become friends with Cassy, and Lisa. Complications abound. I can neither pass judgement, nor can i approve. So what is it to be? I can not save Lisa and i can not save Cassy from her situation.

So like the Democratic part i will stick my head in the sand and hope it goes away. Much like the screwey situation with my PCS, this couldn't have come at a worse time. So what do i Do? ultimatly i will do the best i can, and go from there. I will do as i prommised though. I will see lisa off to BCT. It is the least i can do. And who knows maybe there is something there. Maybe that is the face of my new girlfriend. of course she might just be another in a VERY long list of regrets. time will tell.

For those thinking of loved ones

I wrote this for a guy that was having an anniversery or something. sure did the trick i think cuz he found out a month after he got back from mid tour that his wife got pregnet (again) wonder if there's a kid somewhere named after me. Scary thought

My Jewel

There was a time when I was young
There was a time when I was free,
And there were many songs to be sung.

This world was cruel,
I had been crushed, and left for dead,
But then I found my jewel.

Some said it was awful, and obscene,
Some said it was wrong and dirty,
But i saw it for what it was; I saw its sheen.

This was not any ordinary thing,
This was a precious love beyond all reason,
And for the first time in a while I had to sing.

How could my jewel not make me happy?
All around might laugh at me,
Call me stupid and sappy.

But I do not care a lick
For my jewel is all I need,
It cured me when I was heartsick.

You ask what could be so precious in life?
Well I’ll tell you, you see,
It's the heart of my loving wife.



and by the way that is the ONLY time i will ever post in PINK!!!

Just for the hell of it

If you havn't figgured it out yet, i'm bored so here goes colors of the rainbow

RED, ORANGE, YELLOW, GREEN, BLUE, INDIGO, VIOLET.

Haha.

Great news, Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix (year 5) is comming out in July. DAMMIT. i can not wait for it. the trailer looked AWSOME. oh and of course the much anticipated "Book 7" ahhh the anticipation is going to kill me. to bad i'll be in Iraq (like i was for Prisoner of Azkaban)

a little inspiration.

For all thost that are having a hard time take this nifty little poem i wrote in highschool (and was subsequently ripped off by POETRY.COM!!!) Enjoy


Don't QuitWhen things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road your trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low, and debts are high
and you want to smile, but have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must but don't quit.

Life is queer with it's twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a Failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
it may be near when it seems far;
So stick to the fight when your hardest hit,
It's when things seem worse,
that you must not quit.

I take my Leave of you.

Who knew that taking leave would be so freaking hard. I mean before i knew it was going to be PCS leave it was only going to be 10 days. Now it's gone all the way up to 20. On the one hand this is a good thing becaus I will leave CRDAMC (Carl R. Darnell Army Medical Center for laymens) earlier, but now i will have only two days of leave when i actually get to FT Riley. So what to do. I now am planning to final out on 21 Dec 06 and i will leave 22 Dec-10Jan. To be honest i think driving back to cali wouldn't be a bad idea, but then i also want (desperatly) to see Lisa. I made a promise to her. so i will see her off. which means hanging out at either El Paso or Pheonix till the third. and of course the drive up to my new hell.

All in all a hell of a road trip. I am up for it, but is my car? I've only driven that far once and to tell the truth i didn't want to repeat the experience. Still. Promises are promises. Though i truly hate to admit it family is family, and in (VERY) small doses can save your sainity. I have to wonder though, if it is better to just not tell them and show up or tell them. oh well I'll figgure it out.

One thing that is really pissing me off though is that i have been up for many many hours now, and i am WICKED tired. I really want to go to sleep. but of course everything needs to be done durring the day, and it is not at all convient if you work the night shift. What is a poor soul like me to do? i never thought these people would be trying to take their pound of flesh after they've already got my dignity.

one final function. One final gathering, and i am gone. Ah i won't miss this place a bit.

Poetry

Poetry is my way of expressing my deepest hurt, joy or even just wonder. true, i often blur the lines, and throw romantic views around like they are candy. Still Poetry is the way i like to cope with my world. I like to hear people comment on my poetry. Of course i've never really had the heart to tell someone else they suck, for my hearing someone say, "wow. . ." it is something special. Though adoration often puts me ill at ease, i do enjoy it when people say i have touched them.

Since Iraq, however, my poetry has taken a dour mood. often forlorn, often expressing lack of hope. Some of the things i wrote in Iraq were expressing, to a nonexistant lover, the need to be saved from myself. it was how i coped with the night the rocket hit the pods. The screaming, the blood. I tried not to let it phase me, but the images, like a terrible broken reccord replayed. my therapy, writting poetry, helped clear that.

I suppose it's also important to mention the treatment of the EPW that night. Or, rather lack thereof. I walked into that bunker and saw him. The most powerful, bitter hatred swept over me. BLEED. One word, and yet, at that moment it was the onlyone that could have applied. I wanted him to bleed for my soldiers. I looked at him and i wanted to kill him. If his gaurds had not been there i would have killed him. I would have beat him to an inch of his life, and then ended it. Such hatred is something that has left it's mark on me. For the first time in my life i wasn't witness to evil, i became evil. and that is something i can never forget.

However on with the show. Enjoy this poem i wrote in Iraq, entitled "Save me"

Save Me

I think of your head hitting a soft pillow,
I imagine so many things of you.
Your smell, your walk, all the things you do,
I dream of a first kiss under a willow.

But the moans bring me back to the now,
The blood is everywhere,
Most people would be so horrified they’d stare,
I want to go to you but I don't know how.

They keep coming, screaming,
They keep bleeding,
With wounds too grotesque for reading,
My only respite is when I’m dreaming.

I dream of you and your soft face,
I dream of your soft smile,
Hoping and praying all the while,
That you'll be there when I leave this place.

How can I tell you about this?
I pray you'll hold me when the nightmares come,
Easing my anguish until I am numb,
To find salvation in your sweet kiss.

The booms fill the air, night and day.
I’m so tired I can barely move.
I feel jagged where once I was smooth,
How can people live this way?

I love you more than words can tell,
I wish I could be there now,
But I am in this place and I don't see how,
Please, my love, save me from this hell.

PCS from Hell

It is almost funny. To think that i would not constantly get screwed by the Army is almost laughable. The report date to Ft. Riley, which, if anything, promises to be WORSE than Ft Hood, is 10 January. I find it a serious oversight to try to get someone to clear during the Holiday season.

I can not complain because i asked for this, but now the very real problem of getting up to snuff on pt and *ahem* weight. i'm totally screwed. back to the old MediFast and 500 calories a day. Still it would have been nice if it had paid off last time (WEST POINT!) not that i'm bitter about it.

hello

this is the first, hopefully of many posts describing the madness that I undergo. Be it PTSD, Women, the Army, or life in genral, it'll be here for you to read. Enjoy